Well, I discovered many a thing last night, but only one I'll discuss.
Yesterday, it was my friend's birthday party. He's twenty-one in a few days, but had a celebration yesterday.
When I was there, I was on form. And by that, I mean that everyone was drinking and being merry while I stayed in one spot, noticing things that others didn't. This time, it was about the green lights that where on the wall. First, some didn't move, then some vibrated to the bass. What a fuckhead I am.
Anyway, that's not what I discovered.
When I was home, I tried to go to bed. Well, I succeeded with actually going to bed, it was just the process of sleeping that I had trouble with.
I'm not sure if I was dreaming, or if it was just my brain was in a stasis of rest while my entire body was awake, but for about an hour, I remember working on this DVD that I'm helping with in work. The only difference is that I was using a programme that was a mix between Premiere Pro and DVD Studio Pro, and the other person who I was talking to about the work wasn't a fellow worker, but the girl who I have feels for.
In that hour, all I remember that I was working on the DVD, feeling weak, as if every little change took the maximum of effort. The girl was pissed off with me for some reason, either because I was fucking up the work or she just felt awkward and ashamed to be forced to work with me. Every wrong thing that I did resulted in me banging my head on my bed. So, I was conscious to know what was happening, but unconscious enough to not being able to stop myself from being in this state of delusion.
The thing is, I don't understand why this happened. It's not like I'm stressed about work, because I'm honestly not. The work, albeit time consuming, isn't difficult. There are setbacks, yes, but nothing that I haven't encountered before. I had to use DVD Studio Pro in one of my assignments last year, and I had a decent mark in it, so I know how to work it and that. Premiere's just Premiere.
Maybe it's about her.
Maybe I'm just being a fool.
Yeah, it's definitely the later.
Anyway. That's another thing that confuses me. This is the first time where work and my personal life has merged, and it's in a dream (or whatever you call it). I've always kept my different lives separate. I mean, my work, university, family and personal lives are just that, four separate aspects of my life. Granted, there are some overlaps (Clic, for example), but on the whole, I try not to merge the different aspects of my life.
I have no idea why this is the case, it's just always been like that.
Anyway, you might be wondering what I discovered.
It was about three in the morning, when I came around from the dream-that-probably-wasn't-a-dream-because-I-wasn't-completely-asleep dream. I was wide awake, and I only wanted to do one of two things.
The first one will make me sound like a soppy arsehole, so I''ll forever keep it to myself.
The second is, I'm much better suited to working than socialising.
I mean, look at the evidence. The only real time I feel somewhat comfortable is when I'm doing work. Whether it's something I can do off my own back (like designing a banner for Wicid, editing video footage, writing and editing articles) or something I have no idea what I'm doing (like photography, anything administrative), at least I'm doing something constructive. Or at least trying to do so.
When I'm socialising, what am I doing? Nothing. Most of the time, I'm just awkwardly being there with nothing of substance to add to the conversation. Well, unless they're talking about something I actually have confidence in, like anything multimedia or how to effectively kill bosses in Final Fantasy X, but let's be honest how many times with that happen?
I don't know. It just seems that I was not bred to talk. I was born to work, even if my chosen career will help humanity as much as a dog shitting in the woods would add a loving ambience to a political convention.
Most pointless description, ever.
Before I stop writing this idiocy, I have one question that might make my sound like a right numpty. I don't suppose that any of you have an idea how to escape from yourself for an hour or so? And I don't mean ways to have time off from work and just relax. I mean, actually separate your thoughts from your brain for even a moment, just so you can think about something other than the usual stuff?
So yeah, that's a thing.
- And this is a FIN.
No comments:
Post a Comment