Fifteen, Love.

See what I did there? Tennis season now, and this would be my fifteenth published post. Whao, I'm so postmodern...

It's the first of July. Seventeen days 'till the death of the school year. Chances are next to none as to if I'll see my friends during the school holidays, the whole six weeks of it. Ah well, same as every year, so I've grown used to it. At least this year I've got more stuff to do in the house. Kinda. And when I go back to school in September, I'll be less than a year away from University. So there's a possibility that I hardly see my friends. Such a happy thing to say for the begining of a blog, ya? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone until I actually grow a spine/personality/decent hairstyle. Maybe you think the last sentence is a tad emo. Ah well, does it really matter in the end?

Like today, right. Dinnertime (or last lesson, which I had none of it), I was listening to a conversation about death and whatever's after it (or, they were talking about something totally different and I made the whole convo in my head). I sometimes think about it myself. But the thing is, I realise that the thing I am thinking about is actually the only thing I am sure of when I'm older (be that in three decades or in three seconds). And I just panic. I literally, stop what I was currently doing (be that colouring in a piece of paper or listening to something), stare straight forward and breathe deeply and quickly.

This is the only thing I am genuinly shitscared of. Dying. Because I have no idea what happens after it. Do you just not feel, see, smell or hear anything, and everything's just a black aura? Or is there actually some life after death, either that we get reborn as another being on this planet or there is actually a blog in the sky for me to write shaite things in? 'Cause if I knew what was after death, I'll probably be more accepting to my fate, even if it is the whole blackful of nothingness, because I can prepare myself for not being able to be surrounded by life. II don't know if this makes sense to you, it doesn't really make sense to me totally... but because of all these theories (I am actually including religion in this also), I am dreading the day that I'll be lying on my final bed... I actually remember one of the first times this came to mind for me. On the BBC 10pm News, when I was roughly six, seven, they said that the universe will not end in a big bang, but in a puff of smoke. I thaught about it and I thaught they meant that it will happen in the next year or so. I ran into my sisters' room, and the main thing I remember is being hugged by my eldest sister, and I was repeating the same pathetic words, 'I don't want to die'. I think I might have been the first in my year to actually say that line. Everyone else pretended to be a fairy or something that will live forever, and I was thinking that I will end up as nothing, not even a dent in the barrier that we call history. That night has actually effected me in a bigger way than I originally thaught. Maybe if I never saw that news bulletin, I'd be a totally different person. But, as it stands, I'm this human being, hoping that I won't just 'be' for all my life. Hoping that I will do something of worth in my life, something that will last decades after my passing.

So far, what have I actually done that's of worth? Nothing. While others have gotten grades in their respective instruments, mingled with many a people, managed to gain a strong relationship (be that friendship or a relationship) with someone, seen places outside their homeland and just basically went out, doing stuff. I didn't do anything at all until year nine or ten, when I started playing cricket. But, after three games, and bowling in two, I gave up because I couldn't stand the whole 'I shagged six girls in my lifetime, the last one I shared with a beaver and an otter' type convos between the boys that beleived George Bush was the president for a company who sells hedges. I was pretty shaite at it anyways, so what's the point in doing something just to end up as crap as you were at the beginning?

That's another thing that's linked to me, how I am and that. I am extremely antisocial. I also have trouble to have a conversation about nothing whatsoever to someone that I've never met in my life.... Take this Clic weekend I went to last weekend (if you don't know what Clic is, go to cliconline.co.uk).

I was the only one from Rhondda Cynon Taf, and that's only because I went to work experience with the company who have the contract of Clic. In the bus up to Llangollen (which actually took us to Aberystwyth first then to Llangollen 'cause we followed the A470 all the way up), all I did was stare out of the window, watching all the trees, cars, mountains roll by while everyone else was chatting and listening to their 'songs'. When we stopped at Burger King, I sat on my own, eating my chicken and chip burger. When we finally arrived, I just stood around, the numpty I am, while everyone else is happily chatting to people they've never met. Dinner was the same, until two dudes came to me. I felt awkward, felt like everytime they thaught of something to talk to me about, I just killed it a second later. It was only like at ten in the night when I was talking to a boy from Neath, I started talking to him about the whole thing we were up there for, and I started to become at ease with him, then another dude showed up and the same followed. I kinda knew I'm better getting to know someone on our own and not in a group. Next day, everyone was on about why I didn't eat breakfast, but won't go into that now.

The workshops themselves were good. And the staff, apart from one or two. Because I was already in work experience with some of them, I felt fine when they approached me about something. And because the group I was in, I felt fine. Then in the night some idiots came towards me because 'you is shit at pool, bruv' (they did talk like that). Nothing else happened really. And no, I didn't pull anyone. That's for the people who think I did...

Bloody hell, I'm gonna hate tonight. Trying to get to sleep in this heat and all shit things circling in my brain. Ah well. Wish I could write more in this, but the internet's gonna go off in a minute because everyone else in my family's going to bed.

So, I shall see you next time, if there is a next time.

Nacht, mon dudes....