Take A Number, Stay In Line

Once again, it is a blog post at the end of the year.

Once again, I'm going to review my year.

Once again, I use a lyric from a song as a blog title.

And once again, nobody cares.

So, what did I write this time last year for myself? Thanks fuck for copy-paste, that's all I'm saying...

1. Stay up there with my university course. Basically, I'm aiming for a first overall, but I will be content with anything from 2:1 up (or a extremely high 2:2 and up).
2. Improve my abilities with the Welsh language. This should get better due to me translating stuff, but I'm not doing too well at the moment...
3. Don't go into debt (and, if they allow it, stay as a Clic employer for as long as possible - optional).
4. Keep writing my Dear World series (though it might turn from a weekly thing to fortnightly, depending on what else I'm doing).
5. Improve my musical abilities.
6. Complete as many Final Fantasy games as possible. This isn't being serious, I just think it's sad that I've only really completed two of the games (three if you count Dissidia Duodecim) and I've got about five or six of them. It's rather sad to just not complete the games from this epic series (and write reviews for them - optional).
7. Improve your new media skills. And no, I don't mean social media, I mean with editing and design stuff.
8. Build up confidence. I don't mean this so I'd go out more and start performing Shakespeare's plays in the middle of Cardiff, but more so I'd be able to edit a video of myself without flinching over the sound of my voice or how hideous I think I look...

So, did 2012 me succeed in what 2011 me wanted to accomplish?

Well, I would consider the first one a success. I passed my second year in university with a 2:1, earning a few firsts in my assignments. Bad thing is that I only had one assignment that was less than a 2:1, but luckily the average is that I had a decent 2:1 for my second year.

I'll be honest here, although I didn't write it down, I have no idea about my success in my placement. If I had to rate myself, I'd say I'd get a third for my performance. I don't know, just seems as if I'm not doing good enough. Ah well.

Second, my Welsh. To be honest, I don't think I've improved at all. I've been told that my translating skills are good and are improving, but as for linguistical skills, I don't think I've improved at all.

I mean, there have been a few instances where I've spoken to someone in Welsh without feeling I'm being judged. The main one was when I was in the Eisteddfod and I was talking to a past student of Glamorgan Uni about Welsh and courses. It was the first time where I didn't feel like I was an amateur when speaking the language. Which, you know, was nice.

Third, money. I can happily say that I've not been in debt once yet. Not even touched my overdraft. An even better thing is that I'm still employed by Clic. That's still mad, that. I have no idea why they still think I'm good enough to be employed by them. Mad that.

Only down side is that I've still yet to actively save up money. Hopefully in the new year, I'll bunk up an ISA or something. Anyway, back to the drawing board.

I've totally failed with keeping up with my Dear World articles. Simply put, I haven't had the time. I'm still writing them, and I think I've surpassed fifty of them this year, but nowhere near once a week. Same goes for the CLICvlog thing. That should have been once a week, but I've missed twelve of them. Ah well. Maybe I'll improve next year.

Not going to lie to you, but I have no idea if I've improved any of my musical skills. I suppose I've kind of improved with guitar, considering I can now play the intro solo for Metallica's One. I know it's a simple part of the song, but I finally (almost) nailed it. Nowhere near performing standards, mind, but still.

But since I'm here, might as well talk about the social media one. I guess I've gotten a tad bit better with it. With After Effects, definitely, but with other things, I'd say I failed to improve. Feels like all I've done is just stay average in everything else, or dramatically failing in some aspects (ahem... Photoshop). But yeah, still a ways to go if I want to be at a standard where people would pay me a pretty penny for my skills.

And to my joke one. I think I've only really completed one Final Fantasy title, and that's Dissidia Duodecim. Ah well, I didn't really mean I'd complete all of them, I just thought I'd look more into a franchise that I rather like.

And last, my confidence. The only thing I can confidently say is that I'm still that prick with no confidence. The only thing, I'd say, that has remotely improved is my confidence in motion graphics, but then there's things where I just look at and my confidence just falls back down to non-existent levels.

More so towards the end of this year, it's been a bigger problem, and it's been more obvious that something has to be done, otherwise I'll just die a lonely bastard with nothing to my name except a headful of regret.

I have nothing else to say, really. So, with that done, lets see if I can try and write some goals that I'll fail at like the last few years.

1. Build confidence. It's obvious that I need to do this. I don't know where to start, or how it will happen. Long story short, this needs to be done, or I'll just be a prick like the last few years.
2. Not to cock up, university wise. 2013 will see me finish my placement and start my last year. The last thing I want to do is mess up with my placement, but hopefully I'll be on my way to at least a hight 2:1 in my course.
3. Same vein as the last one (and last years), improve my skills in media. You know - audio, video, animation, text and iamge. Includes using the Welsh language as often as possible too.
4. This isn't as strong as the other ones, but at least two CLICvlogs and two Dear Worlds a month. Twenty six of each should give me an achievable challenge.

Those are the ones I've given myself, but I've been given a few as well by some people too. Which are...

1. Eat different stuff. Not entirely sure what was said, but I think it was try to eat something totally different than what I'm used to every month. Because I usually eat basic stuff. 'Cause, y'know, I'm not really a fan of eating things.
2. Eat socially every other month. They said eating in the car after picking up a McDonald's doesn't count. Poo. I'm also guessing socialise outside of work/uni is one too. Meh.

So yeah, that's it. 2012 was the year where I tried to do things and failed miserably. If I didn't fail, I wouldn't be writing this at eleven at night. I'd be out, celebrating the new year.

What a way to end a yearly review post.

Actually, fuck it. I'm not ending it there. There's a handful of people I want to thank, but not in the emotional way actors do when they win an award for crying good. By the way, I'm not going to name anyone, just certain things. Go me and my insecurity of calling someone a friend because I don't know if they consider me the same.

First of all, to those who took part in the CLICvlogs. I know it's not the best project in the world, so the fact that some people are actually interested in doing it. I hope that there's a part of their want to vlog on their own channel is a result of taking part in the CLICvlog project, even if it's just to create something better than I could. Happiness indeed.

Second thanks goes to those who work at Clic. Y'know, for being patient with me learning the ropes and helping me with a lot of things, whether it's work or personal. 

Last, to nobody else, because I don't think I have anyone else to thank. Man, that makes me sound like a dick.

So that's it. My last blog post of 2012. Roll on '13.

And to quote my Dear World series.

I thank ye, world.

- FIN. FIN, FIN, FIN. FINpa Gangnam Style.

I Don't Know

It seems as if I have a love/hate relationship with the stuff I make.

This week, I did this.

It was for the AE Challenge I set myself, where I was planning on designing something every other day during the Christmas holidays. This was the second one.

I used Particular to get the whole line stuff, and then other stuff to get the other stuff. Very informative information, there.

Anyway, considering I made this in under two hours or so (and off memory, too), I'm rather pleased with the result. But, there seems to be something off with it.

At first, I thought it was the kerning, the fact that (for example) you can see the end of the 'y' inside the 'D', or that there's a shadow for the text but not for the actual lines. I have no idea.

I also have trouble labeling the style of this. Is this style suited more for a poster promoting dubstep or house music more than a personal desktop background?

I don't know.

And that's something that seems to be my saying of the last few months.

For some reason, I just say I don't know if I have no idea how to explain myself or something I've been asked about. Some times, it's because I have no idea about it.

Other times, mind, it's think it's because I assume that I'm instantly wrong, therefore I instantly think that I shield myself by just saying I don't know rather than just saying what I believe, right or wrong.

Is this real life? Or is it just idiocy?

Like many things, I don't know.

In other news, I've failed the whole AE challenge thing that I gave myself, and I failed it miserably. No idea why. I was really up for it, but then my mind decided that thinking about things was more important than developing my After Effects skills. If it does the same when I'm in my second half of my placement, I'll go ape shit.

And that's another thing, In about two weeks, I'll be starting my second placement, this time with Burning Red. my fuck, that's both worrying and brilliant at the same time.

In other, other news, I've started to write scripts for videos for some reason. I've finished one, and I've almost written the second one. Both of them make no sense, both of them involve After Effects and both involve at least one character lying on the ground in pain. No idea why I've suddenly thought you know what would be funny? If one person stands for something they wrongly believe and punishes another person by putting someone else in a world of pain. 

Brilliant, brain. Absolute brilliance.

Anyway, the ideas aren't original. Someone, somewhere has already done it three thousand times, and they've done it to a higher standart that I'll ever hope to reach. I just really need the practice in After Effects that involve live action. Not really had enough practice with it.

Ah well.

Anyway, I should leave for now. It's time I should go to sleep if I want to get back into waking up early before I go back to work.

- Back in the day, we didn't finish blog posts with a stupid sentence and putting FIN in there somewhere. We had decent endings, ones that made you feel loved and happy and had a message about not smoking or something.

Half Way There

Yesterday was the beginning of the end of my work placement.

I've finished in my first half of my placement, and when I go back in January I'll be starting again in new surroundings.

Well, not completely starting again. I'll still (probably) be working on the same projects as I have been these past few months, and I do know most of the people who I'll be working with next year, but you get the idea.

Anyway, my last day was yesterday, which was another failed doomsday prediction. I now have a few weeks of doing absolutely nothing. No more edit this or render that or stop doing that, you're doing it wrong, you need to do it like this, yadda yadda yadda. Nah, I'm joking, nobody was like that. I think.

Anynoodles, for the first time in about six or so months (give or take a few days for being ill and that), I'm not going to be doing work for someone else. If I do anything, it would be for my own benefit, my own experience.

And to be completely honest, it's like my mind's in two places about it.

I planned to do something productive during my two or so weeks off. If you're not one to read things on other websites, I basically challenged myself to create things using After Effects as the main programme.

I kept thinking that I could give myself like extra challenges in it, like in one piece I would forbid myself for using any form of 3D layers, and maybe one where I'm not allowed to pre-comp layers, and a God mode, where I need to do an animation using Comic Sans and make it look professional. And considering I can't make anything professional, that's going to be one challenge and four halves.

But the thing is, it's like my mind can't think for itself, but at the same time it wants to be active.

I'm not one of these people who has a rest. I rather hate it when I have nothing to do, because it feels like all I would do if I do nothing is rot inside. If I don't have work to do or exams to study for, I just feel like I'm wasting time. Time, and my mind.

What lovely thoughts I have.

So, the first day in my Christmas and New Year holidays, and I'm already wishing that I'd be back in work on the Monday.

It's the same every year, and I say so each year. And I do absolutely fuck all to combat it each year. Why? I have absolutely no clue whatsoever. Maybe because I have no idea how to. Maybe it's because I just have an inherit feeling in my head that whatever I try to do, I'd just fuck it up somehow.

And yes, I'm perfectly aware of the saying "the only ones who truly fail are those who don't try" or whatever it's called.

I'm not saying it's true, mind. I'm just thinking of possibilities.

Anyway, that's if for now.

- Kill Bill Vol. 2 just finished, so I suppose it's an optimal time for me to write FIN at the same time, eh? No, didn't think so.

Come Clarity

Do you ever just wish you can turn your brain off?

And no, I don't mean kill your brain.

Spoiler warning - I'm going to sound like some hideously pathetic child in this post. Another spoiler warning - I'm probably not going to make sense. What joy.

About two days ago, I was doing something. It doesn't really matter what I was doing: I could have been just playing around on the computer, I could have been arm wrestling baby chickens. All that matters is that I was doing something.

When I was doing something, I was thinking about stuff. Nothing major, probably just thinking about the thing I was doing.

But then, because I was thinking, my thoughts began to go into a different direction. My thoughts went from whatever menial task that I was doing, to thoughts about how I'm doing shit at what I was doing, which in turn made me think about the past, either about what I did or what I didn't do. Then, I thought about how my life would have changed now if I made different decisions back in the day, then thoughts came about how I'm going to die in the future, which made me think about the whole Mayan prophecy bullshit.

And that's how I ended up watching videos from a NASA scientist and reading things that explained why the whole December 21st 2012 thing was a hoax.

Off topic, but I don't believe in it. I just despise the fact that people both make doomsday predictions and believe them. I mean, we're humans living on the knife edge of existence as it is, it's a miracle how we're still alive as a species. So, if that's the case, why do people not celebrate life and its diversity and instead wonder on how it will end?

Ah, the world's kind of fucked up.

Anyway. It took about two hours for me to be doing things and thinking about what I was doing to reading about 2012. It took me two more hours or so to stop looking into it. It ended in me saying fuck it and putting my Mac down to just try to not think, which didn't work, so I just played a bit of Pokemon.

It was the same today. I was in work, looking for things to do, but then I started to feel weird. Not ill, not anything emotional either, just... weird. I then thought that I'd read some technology news to try to stop me thinking, which then landed me in a pile of news about the Census and the Welsh language, which made me think about my use of the Welsh language, then after more thinking about more idiotic things I ended on the subject of my friends, thinking about different things like who do I really consider a friend, and if in turn they consider me as one.

Now, it may come as a surprise to you, but I've been told that I think too much. Seems as if people don't understand why I think too much. Which is fair enough, since they don't think the same as I do.

Ever since I was young, I was thinking. Maybe not to the degree I am now, but I was thinking. I'm not saying I was an amateur theologist or whatever, contemplating life's wonders and shit like that. It's just that, when you're not from a well-off family and not a social butterfly, the only real way to keep your brain active is by thinking, whether it's making up scenes or just thinking about how others may perceive you.

I've also been told by a few that I need to stop thinking, to stop over-analyzing little things. But I have no idea how. It's like my brain hates inactivity, all it wants to do is work, whether that is thinking about tasks, mathematical and scientific questions, memorising things or just plain thinking about my life and how it affects everyone else's.

I honestly have no idea what I was trying to accomplish with this post. Maybe I'm just trying to figure out myself, to wonder why I've become such an arsewipe of a person.

Before I go, I'd like to share a song. It's only in the past two months that I've rediscovered In Flames. When in work, I decided to play their songs while setting up a photography shoot, and I fell in love with their songs. In particular, this one.



That's it for now.

- I want you to lead me, take me somewhere, don't want to live in a FIN one more day.

Turn Of The Century (And A Half)

For those who are counting, this is my 150th blog post.

150 blog posts in five years. Not sure that's a good or bad thing.

One thing I'm also unsure if it's good or not is that I'm getting back into Guitar Hero. I used to play that to death back in the day. I even wrote on the wall next to my television the scores I had when playing certain songs, mainly Free Bird in II and Through The Fire And Flames in III (both on Expert, but the latter one on practice mode, I could never get past the first section).

It was like my way of competing with myself. I only just manage to five star Free Bird once, Always did the same thing when I played on III - Played Talk Dirty To Me and other songs to warm up, then try to FC Reptilia and other songs before I try and beat my old scores in the harder tiers.

And you wonder why I've been single all my life...

I still remember the path of Talk Dirty To Me. I played that song to death, that and Knights Of Cydonia and My Name Is Jonas.

Well, I suppose it'll be a good thing that I'm getting back into Guitar Hero. I'll need to do something to keep me occupied when it's Christmas. Because, y'know, I just do the same thing as always, stay in doing fuck all. Maybe this year, I'll actually create something in After Effects. Maybe I might skin a cat, or . Nothing is impossible. Well, maybe the After Effects thing is for me...

In other news, I've had my first credit for work I've done. In this thing I've been working on for the last couple of whiles, I'm down as the Compositor and Motion Graphics person. Which is, y'know, the things I did for it. So yeah, my name is down as a credit for something. Suppose it's a good thing.

Another thing is that I've let CLICvlog slide. There are many reasons for this. One is that there hasn't been a time where I could meet up with people to film one. The other is that I just haven't had the motivation to film and edit them.

It's not that I don't want to do the project anymore, because I do want to keep it alive. I just seem to be consumed by utter shit sometimes. Yeah, like that makes sense.

That's it really. The only other things that I've learned is that the Welsh apparently use "goc oen" as an insult and I can only look at photos of myself if I don't look straight into the camera. Makes perfect sense, that. Oh, and I feel taller after I play the drums.

And that, as that old man from Final Fantasy X say that they say, is that.

Am y tro, boyos.

- Every time I look in your eyes, every time I'm watching you FIN.

Silent Worker

For a few months now, I've been working on a project.

I, if you believe the credits on it, am the compositor and visual effects person in a DVD that promotes the extending entitlements for young people and making them accessible for those who are deaf or hard of hearing.

I'm not going to talk about the actual project or what I've done. I'm going to talk about the upcoming launch. It's in a few days, and those in work suggested that I'd ask my parents to attend the DVD launch.

I asked a few days ago, stressing that they didn't have to go considering it's on at a time where my father is working.

Half an hour ago, my mother came up to me, telling me that my father managed to get the day off, and they can come to the launch.

And my first reaction to her saying that was that similar to someone who was not pleased.

It's not that I'm not proud of the work that I've done in the project, I suppose the stuff that I've done is of a decent level and at least it's been beneficial to my course in university.

The thing is, and it's something my mother found highly confusing, I despise having anyone from my family watching anything that I do, and likewise vice versa.

It's not that I think they feel obliged to come to whatever I'm a part of, and they must tell me how my work is brilliant and wonderful and not even seventeen pixies who have been working for Bill Gates for three decades can do a better job or whatnot, it's just that... I find it highly awkward when a family member watches something that I've done.

I honestly felt horrible when my mother said that, along with my father, she would be coming to the launch. And besides, it's not worth my father taking the day off for. Him being in work is far more important to the family than some DVD that I help to create.

I know this probably sounds extremely childish or whatnot, but the fact remains - I don't want them to come.

And when I said that to her, she had a bamboozled face. Like I'd slapped her in the face with a can of motor oil while chanting Blink-182 lyrics.

I then gave her examples of times when I felt uneasy going to performances where at least one family member of mine partook in. When MkIII was in university, her last assignment was to perform in piece about something based in Roman times.

I really didn't want to go, so I said that to my mother. She, thinking I was just a sulking teenager, made me go. For the whole time, I really didn't want to be there.

It's not the fact that I thought the performance was bad or anything. It's just the fact that my sister was in the performance.

This has happened many a time, where my parents have thought I was just some soppy teenage prick who only wanted to listen to music that would make me understand the world better or some weird shit like that.

But it wasn't like that at all. I honestly felt highly awkward when seeing anything my sisters were in. I even felt wrong going to see my sister's graduation ceremony.

And before any of you ask, I have no idea why.

I thought I was in the money, considering what my course is about. There's not going to be some show where I ask my parents to come see what I've been working for. But unfortunately, the time has come, and I really don't want any family members to go.

I know, I'll look at this post a few days/weeks/months/years from now and I'll still think that I'm being some self indulgent piss pot. Hopefully my attitudes will change in the future, but I doubt they'll change that much in such a short amount of time.

Ah well.

- I got a bullet with a FIN on it, bullet with a FIN. 

21-Up

Today was my birthday.

Officially, if you abide time and stuff, I will be twenty one once the clock strikes 11:30pm on November the second of this year.

No, this is not me begging for people to wish me a happy birthday or anything like that, I was just stating a fact.

This morning, I woke up and was greeted by my mother. In one hand, she held a card, and in the other a thing that I didn't really think about. I opened the card, and it was the usual fair; "congratulations on living, we're rather fond of your existence" type of thing.

I was then given a gift. Since we're not a well-off family, I assumed it was just a filler, something that she wrapped up just so I could open something on the day of my birth.

I opened it, and it was a ball of bubble wrap. Fair be, I thought.

I then began to open up this ball, which at its centre was an iPod Touch. It didn't matter from what generation it was, an iPod's an iPod at the end of the day.

My first thought, and the first thing I said, after realising what they bought me was are you sure you can afford this?

My mother said they could. She bought it in a sale and slapped it on the credit card. She added that she thought it would be better for me to have a dedicated MP3 player than using my phone, as my old iPod died a few weeks back.

That statement has stayed with me all day. My family have spent years saving up for things. I remember for months, if not years, we were living in a house where we could have no electricity or heating for hours or days. The first computer we had was this weird franken-computer from old pieces years after they started to be big.

For my past few birthdays, all they did was give me some money. Nothing major, just a tenner, or maybe fifteen if things were looking up. So, for them to get me an iPod Touch for something such as my twenty-first... I don't know why, but that hit me big time.

I've never really valued money in the same way as others seem to do. For me, money is not something to just flitter away for a cheap laugh; it's a necessary part of life where it must be treated right.

Maybe some people will look down at me, think I'm just a hoarder, someone who would rather see the colour of money than happy days or whatever. That's not the case. I just never want to be in that situation if/when I have children. Same goes for anyone I care about.

I'm getting off topic. Anyway.

My mother then asked if I had anyone on Facebook asking me why my birthday's not visible. I just said that I don't see the point advertising my birthday to everyone, just so they could quickly write something simple on my wall. I find that just as awkward as someone coming up to me and making me sing happy birthday to a stranger.

I can't explain why, it is just like that for me.

That's why, if I ever wish someone a happy birthday, I always do it via textual communication, and even if I do it would be later in the day.

Anyway, safe to say that only family members have remembered. Which is fair enough. I'm not complaining, considering I've never really publicised my birthday at all.

In work, towards the afternoon, they planned a little thing, which ended in me taking home a piece of cake (which my parents ate, I'm no fan of cakes m'self), a card with all nice words from the people who work there and an A3 piece of paper that has Happy 21st Birthday Gareth! Promo love you. Oh, and the memory of the accountant trying to serenade me. I'm pretty sure I'll never say that again for a long while.

But other than being pre-occupied with the thought of my parents getting me something I thought they wouldn't and what had happened in work, it was a rather normal day.

Which is was my birthday is, really.

So, twenty-year-old me is now dead. Hopefully, twenty one-year-old me would have better luck with everything.

Have a good'un.

- FIN times eight. FIN. FIN. FIN. FIN. FIN. FIN. FIN. FIN.

Dandelion Mind

In just a few weeks, I will be twenty-one.

If you want to be absolute, I'm already twenty-one. You know, considering I was living in my mother's womb for nine months. Good thing she never asked for rent. But for the case of reason, logic and sanity, I'm twenty-one in a few weeks.

For some reason, the same thought just keeps coming back to me...

I don't like where I am in life.

Now, that has nothing to do with my work, my friends or anything like that. I really do like working where I am, and I have a good time with the people I see on an irregular basis. It's just, looking at where other people are in their lives, it makes me wonder if I am in the right place in mine.

When I say that, I don't mean that I look at the people who I went to school with and see how varied their lives are. I mean, some are already married, some have kids, some are working in the industry they want, and some have wealthy parents who can buy everything for them to have an easy life.

And then there's me, still confused as to where I'm heading in life.

As I said, it's nothing to do with the people I know or what I do. It's all about me.

And that, my improbable reader, is something that will make me sound like some attention seeking whore who wants nothing but attention. Didn't need the second attention there, yeah? Seems I need a lesson in grammar (orly?).

I look at myself and think, what can I do? And yes, I mean both skill-wise and personally. If that makes sense.

And I don't like thinking like this.

You know, where the only thing you can think of is your own worth in the world. Whatever I can do, there are at least three people I know who can do it better, faster and the like.

I know, comparing yourself to people is looked down upon. The whole it doesn't matter what or who you are, as long as you're you or whatever bullshit that gets spilled out to people. It's obvious that it does matter. Would you employ someone who has no skills in the required field just because their honest with themselves? I highly doubt it.

For the most part, I know that everything is relative. Like my ability with the Welsh language. To those who have no clue of how to speak Welsh, I am a font of knowledge, but to those who speak the language fully week in week out, I must look like a right amateur.

As I said before, it's not just about skills. It's about me as a person also.

I have probably used up a quarter of my life, and what have I done? Nothing but stay in my room and try to get better at the things I like to do. Some might say that's a good thing, meaning that I'd develop into something that can only mean good things for me career-wise. And in a way, they're right. I mean, if it wasn't for the abundance of my time just spent lying in bed, watching After Effects tutorials, I'd probably be slightly worse than I am now.

Shit, this is gone into skillsets again. My apologies.

Anyway, those twenty-one years have mainly been spent in my bedroom, the smallest room in my house. Everyone else my age has probably spent most of their lives outside, doing what young people do these days, whatever that is.

At first, it was because none of my friends lived close to me to meet up. Then, when I found someone who actually did, I didn't know how to start socialising with them. That story started roughly thirteen years ago, and has repeated itself from the start about two to three years ago.

Anyway, as the social began to be more social, experimenting with drink and money, I did what was natural to me; stay home and waste my time power-leveling characters in games or thinking about pointless subject matters like my own mortality.

And that has made me into the person I am right now; someone who I don't really like.

I mean, considering my profession of choice, I will need to talk to people and possibly maybe teach people. A good example is of today, there was a work experience girl who had no idea how to use Photoshop, so I was asked to teach her something basic.

I did so, but I could feel my voice shaking. It was like I had developed a stutter in the two minutes between being told I had to do it and actually needing to do it. She did it, but it didn't help that I seemed like I had no idea what I was on about.

I mean, if someone was teaching you something and they were bloody nervous doing so, would you really trust what they were saying?

Fuck.

In other news, the closer November comes, the more apparent my thoughts of death appear. I don't know why this happens, but for the last few years or so, the closer my birthday comes the more I think of death. And I don't like it.

And before anyone says otherwise; I am trying to change. I am trying to be someone who isn't just a rat in a self-built cage. But every attempt that I do, it seems to backfire on me.

C'est la vie, apparently.

- Satan, laughing, spreads his wings. Oh lord, FIN.

Night Shift

I discovered something last night.

Well, I discovered many a thing last night, but only one I'll discuss.

Yesterday, it was my friend's birthday party. He's twenty-one in a few days, but had a celebration yesterday.

When I was there, I was on form. And by that, I mean that everyone was drinking and being merry while I stayed in one spot, noticing things that others didn't. This time, it was about the green lights that where on the wall. First, some didn't move, then some vibrated to the bass. What a fuckhead I am.

Anyway, that's not what I discovered.

When I was home, I tried to go to bed. Well, I succeeded with actually going to bed, it was just the process of sleeping that I had trouble with.

I'm not sure if I was dreaming, or if it was just my brain was in a stasis of rest while my entire body was awake, but for about an hour, I remember working on this DVD that I'm helping with in work. The only difference is that I was using a programme that was a mix between Premiere Pro and DVD Studio Pro, and the other person who I was talking to about the work wasn't a fellow worker, but the girl who I have feels for.

In that hour, all I remember that I was working on the DVD, feeling weak, as if every little change took the maximum of effort. The girl was pissed off with me for some reason, either because I was fucking up the work or she just felt awkward and ashamed to be forced to work with me. Every wrong thing that I did resulted in me banging my head on my bed. So, I was conscious to know what was happening, but unconscious enough to not being able to stop myself from being in this state of delusion.

The thing is, I don't understand why this happened. It's not like I'm stressed about work, because I'm honestly not. The work, albeit time consuming, isn't difficult. There are setbacks, yes, but nothing that I haven't encountered before. I had to use DVD Studio Pro in one of my assignments last year, and I had a decent mark in it, so I know how to work it and that. Premiere's just Premiere.

Maybe it's about her.

Maybe I'm just being a fool.

Yeah, it's definitely the later.

Anyway. That's another thing that confuses me. This is the first time where work and my personal life has merged, and it's in a dream (or whatever you call it). I've always kept my different lives separate. I mean, my work, university, family and personal lives are just that, four separate aspects of my life. Granted, there are some overlaps (Clic, for example), but on the whole, I try not to merge the different aspects of my life.

I have no idea why this is the case, it's just always been like that.

Anyway, you might be wondering what I discovered.

It was about three in the morning, when I came around from the dream-that-probably-wasn't-a-dream-because-I-wasn't-completely-asleep dream. I was wide awake, and I only wanted to do one of two things.

The first one will make me sound like a soppy arsehole, so I''ll forever keep it to myself.

The second is, I'm much better suited to working than socialising.

I mean, look at the evidence. The only real time I feel somewhat comfortable is when I'm doing work. Whether it's something I can do off my own back (like designing a banner for Wicid, editing video footage, writing and editing articles) or something I have no idea what I'm doing (like photography, anything administrative), at least I'm doing something constructive. Or at least trying to do so.

When I'm socialising, what am I doing? Nothing. Most of the time, I'm just awkwardly being there with  nothing of substance to add to the conversation. Well, unless they're talking about something I actually have confidence in, like anything multimedia or how to effectively kill bosses in Final Fantasy X, but let's be honest how many times with that happen?

I don't know. It just seems that I was not bred to talk. I was born to work, even if my chosen career will help humanity as much as a dog shitting in the woods would add a loving ambience to a political convention.

Most pointless description, ever.

Before I stop writing this idiocy, I have one question that might make my sound like a right numpty. I don't suppose that any of you have an idea how to escape from yourself for an hour or so? And I don't mean ways to have time off from work and just relax. I mean, actually separate your thoughts from your brain for even a moment, just so you can think about something other than the usual stuff?

So yeah, that's a thing.

- And this is a FIN.

Thinking Time

Today, I'm working from home.

About an hour ago, I saw something rather innocent. Nothing major, just something that is normal.

But for some fucking reason, my mind's decided to make it into the massive bullshit arena. I've seen something that is usually normal, but I've connected so many things to it, I've made it into something that's made me feel paranoid and, for some fucking reason, like I've been punched in the stomach.

And to top it off, I just had a letter from Student Finance, saying I'm only eligible for the bare minimum.

Fuck.

Not only that, the way they've spaced the payments out means that I wouldn't have virtually any money to use if need be. For this term, I'm only getting over £400. I'm lucky in the fact that I only pay something like £350 for housing and that, but by fuck I'd just have £50 or so for the entire term.

God damn and custard creams, it's lucky that I don't have a social life and horde all the money that I've ever had until I blow my budget in one purchase. Fuck, I'm a dickhead.

So, for the past hour or so, I've done no work. All I've done is stare at my keyboard or aimlessly looking between social networking sites, thinking about pointless shit, making matters in my head worse.

And you know what the worst thing is? I really wish I could stop. I wish that I could restrict the thoughts that go through my mind. I keep telling myself stop it, you're being a twat, but alas poor reader, my brain decides the best call of action is to persist, which makes my day even worse.

In other news, I made myself look like an even bigger bastard of boredom on the weekend, as I was asked to photograph some bands for this year's Wicid Battle Of The Bands final. Unfortunately, out of the 200+ photos that I took, only eight or so where ones I thought were adequate at the least.

I used my old camera for this, my Canon 600D. I have a 5D Mk III now too, but didn't use that because I didn't feel I was used to it yet to use it, if that makes sense.

So yeah, that's a thing.

There's nothing else to add.

So, I shall end it here. I should be going back to work. Hopefully I will and not think about shit.

- Fuck it all, fuck this FIN.

Define It

Do you ever think who and what the fuck am I??

I do.

It mainly occurs when I read other people's biographies on social media sites. I just saw one who described them as loving, caring, intuitive person and the like.

My main thought on that, without sounding like I'm being a total arse, is what makes you think you're the things you think you are?

I mean, I'd like to think I'm somewhat a decent person, someone who has a sense of humour and can be relied on. But it's not really up to me to describe myself. It's up to the people who are (un)fortunate to meet me.

For all I know, people may consider me an absolute twat who's only plus side is the lack of socialising I do. I don't really know what people think of me, but that's their right. And let's be honest here, they are a better judge of me than I am, considering I only see my own perspective while others see everyone else's.

Does that make sense? Does anyone read this blog? Not sure if any of those questions will ever get answered.

But the main one is when it comes to what I do. I've heard/seen people call themselves all sorts, just because either that's the thing they do most or they just can.

I mean, I can call myself a professional photographer, a director, cameraman, editor, translator, designer, compositor and writer. But I don't. Why? Well, just because I do those things (and by directing, I just tell people where to sit/stand so they are in shot and the like, nothing arty or anything like that) doesn't make me them.

You know that saying I live, therefore I am? It's either that or something like that, I don't know.

Back to the point; I'm not completely sure that's true.

Just because you live, doesn't necessarily mean that you're alive. Probably. This is all coming from someone who's only slept outside his home country for eight days, so I'm not the most knowledgable when it comes to life lessons.

Anyway, I think it's true. Just because I played a few games of cricket for Pontypridd, doesn't mean I'm a retired cricket player with a decent bowling average and a terrible batting average. It just makes me someone who used to play cricket.

And yes, for those who think that's a boring sport, I actually like playing cricket. Bowling can be both a stress reliever and a good way to make you think. Don't judge me, ya?

It's just that I see loads of people defining themselves as something just because they have an interest in it, when in all honestly they are either not good at it, or not as serious as they say they are.

That's why I hate it when someone asks me to describe myself to people. Unfortunately, where I work, we get a few young people in for work experience. And I have to say what I do. And I just repeat the same thing - I help out with translation, media and sometimes with moderating written content.

I have a problem defining myself, it seems.

There's only two things that I know I am, and that is a student and a male.

And that's the major one for me. I'm male, and I'm almost twenty one years old, a combination that usually results in someone describing themselves as a man.

But not me. Why? Mainly because I don't think I've done anything worthy of the title.

And no, I don't mean releasing my seed within a woman's baby chamber.

There's so many ways to define what a man is. And I don't think I'm any of it. Yet.

Maybe that'll change in decades to come. Maybe I'll be on my death bed, looking back at my past, and thinking that my younger self was just being an utter arse. So, nothing new there, then.

So, that was a blog post worth forgetting.

- I spent a few minutes trying to think of a way to end this by adding FIN into it, but I couldn't think of anything better than what I've just written. So yeah... FIN.

Blog Post: A New Update

Every time I start to write something for this, I instantly have Comfortably Numb in my head.

This is just a short update, considering I wanted to post at least once a month and haven't done one for July. Sorry if nothing in this post is informative.

But before I start, Google - adding that nav bar onto Blogger has just totally shat over a decent design. Grr.

Anyway, it seems that my days on earth revolve around rendering. Not complaining, it's just that it feels like I'm wasting a lot of time because my computer's just stuck in that state of rendering for the majority of its life now.

In other news, might have already said it, but I've passed my second year in university with a 2:1. None of my marks for my assignments are lower than a 2:2, and I still managed a first in one module. Win.

In other university news, it looks like I am definitely having a year off to work in industry. Half with ProMo Cymru, half with Burning Red. First half concentrating on video shit, the other on everything else. I consider this a massive win.

CLICvlogs are being a bit rocky as of late, just due to people slating them like right motherlovers. Kind of wish other people would start emailing in and wanting to be part of it. Ah well, at least I have (for some reason) a group of people who want to be part of the project. Hopefully they'll be in it for the long run.

Also, would it be worth making a Facebook page for the CLICvlogs? I'm tempted, but I'm rather unsure if it's worth it or not.

In other news that will only make sense to me, I thought of a saying today. Coward or failure.

Basically, run away and not try, or try and fail. It totally shows my optimism where cowardice and failure are the only options, eh?

Today, I chose failure.

But, not sure it's lucky or not, I didn't even have the chance to fail.

Yey.

What else. Oh, I shall be attending the National Eisteddfod for the first time this year, which will be interesting. Will be going as work, but I'm not complaining, at least I have a reason to be there, ya?

Yes, this is a short post. Will write a less selfish post one day next week. Probably. If I remember.

- When I was a child, I had a FIN.

Ideas Inc

Two blog posts in a day? Man, shit must have really hit the fan.

Well, not really, I'm just saying stuff for the sake of it.

For the past like, month or so, I've wanted to do so many things and I don't know why. So this is just a chronicle of my failures, even though most of them will never happen. How lucky are you?

Number one, even though I am in no way a photographer, I would absolutely love to go to Cardiff Bay at three in the morning and just take photos of things, especially when the sun comes up.

I have no idea why, but for a while now it's something that I want to do. To cover an area that I have no real knowledge of and photograph it in a time where the majority of the people in Wales are asleep. It would be brilliant. But there are problems.

Well for starters, even though there'd hardly be anyone there, I'd still feel awkward taking photos in public. Secondly, the chances of someone else coming with me would be slim, meaning that I'd be on my own, meaning that I'd feel even more uncomfortable. So, until I somehow gain confidence or until someone else thinks shit, that sounds like something I want to do too, count me in, then it shall forever be a dream.

And I know, Cardiff Bay isn't the best place in the world, I just thought that would be a good starting point.

The second one is also linked to photography. And also sounds like I'm a sad deluded child.

I have this image in my head. It's of a girl sitting down in a park or something similar with the sun behind her. She's looking down, and she's smiling. Not one of those half arsed smiles that people give when you point a camera at them and tell them to smile, but a genuine smile. One of the images is of her just about to smile (you know what I mean, right? As in that moment before you fully smile?...) and then another shot of her fully smiling, again not after I say cheese.

And now I have probably lost fifty man points. Then again, I wasn't doing well in the manly stakes anyway.

I can't get this image out of my head and, considering my Photoshopping skills aren't that good, I won't be able to just do a cut and shut job to give you as an example. But again, this brings a few problems, mainly considering that the subject is a girl.

And by that, I mean that I feel awkward asking a girl if I can take photos of her. Even if I state what I have in mind and I'm not trying to get both of us into the porn industry, it still sounds slightly odd.

Not only that, and this is probably going to be construed as sexist, but I find it even awkward still if it was male. But that said, I feel rather awkward when I'm editing a picture or a video of a male person. I just feel much at east working with imagery that has a female subject. And now that's going to be read as if I'm a pervert.

I can't explain it. It's not that I'm secretly gay and I always feel attracted to any male people in the imagery that I edit, because that's not true. Neither is it true that I want to bang any girls that are in a certain piece of footage. There's some unexplainable reason that I find it at least ten times easier to edit an image that has a female in than a male. If that does indeed make me sexist towards my own gender, then so be it.

The third idea (part one) is totally down to my inexperience with 3D software.

I have an idea for a series. A series which uses 3D throughout the thing. For some reason, I've codenamed it Fallen.

Basically, if you've watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children and most importantly the last half of it, you might have an idea of what I'm thinking of doing.

But I don't mean that I want to do a rip off of Advent Children. I want to do something similar, yes, but not rip off. I don't want to create a character that is similar to Cloud, Tifa, Sephiroth and co and have them do the same moved they did in that film. Neither do I want to rip off Devil May Cry 3, but just use them as influences to create this impossible series.

I have no idea what the focus of Fallen would be. I don't know what the story is, or the characters or the structure of the series. All I know is that I have this idea, and every day I keep thinking of different scenes, and after I think of them, I just imagine how bollock hard they'd be to pull off. Shit the bed.

Part two, which I'm linking with my Fallen idea, is that I want to do an animation relating to bullying, using this song by My Morning Jacket as the background music. The part I want to use for the bullying animation is from about 4:30 onwards.



The idea I had for this is someone being bullied is contemplating committing suicide. They are up on a tall building (so tall that the camera can't even see the ground, if that makes sense). They then turn around to look at the people behind them, and sees ghosts of people who has bullied them, and begin to fall backwards (the moment the guitar does the dive bomb thing).

Then after a few seconds of falling (and other shit), there's a hand coming from the heavens. The person thinks it's the hand of God, and reaches out to hold it. There's a slow motion sequence where they are about touch, which cuts back to the building top. It was a human hand, grabbing the person who was about to fall, stopping the inevitable death. It ends with the two hugging each other, crying. Others appear on the rooftop, standing there, staring at the person who was about to die.

Yes, it makes no sense theoretically. When I came up with it, I had a slogan saying Bullying: It's Not Worth Dying For at the end of it. It will not work, mind, mainly because the idea is utter shit, but also because again my skills with 3D are terrible. Maybe one day, but in a decades time, not in the short term.

The forth one is similar. Kind of. I again have an image in my head. This time, it's of a wedding dress.

No, there's nobody special in that dress, so nobody ask me who I was thinking of in a wedding dress. The person doesn't matter.

What matters is that I thought of an idea for a wedding dress. The problem? I can't draw to save my life. The only conceivable way that I could illustrate what the dress would look like is if I either go an create it in real life or using a 3D program. And both of those will fail because I have no idea when it comes to fashion design and am incompetent in 3D software too.

The only thing I can say is that Final Fantasy has indeed influenced it. And no, I don't mean that it's short and shows off the girls booby area like some of the designs (especially Tifa and Rikku in X-2). If you're an FF nut, try and think of a hybrid of Yuna's wedding dress, Lightning's costume in XIII and Haley's wedding dress in that episode of American Dad. You know the one, that one where she's a sleeping agent and Stan activates her by saying I'm getting tired of this orgasm? Yeah, not sure if anyone can actually imagine a hybrid of that style.

I honestly don't know why this idea is in my head. I've never really had an interest in fashion design, and yet here I am, laying in my bed, imagining someone wearing my idea as a wedding dress. I don't know.

Fifthly, I want to actually do a CLICvlog of my own.

On what? Well, I'd like to do a tutorial one, maybe one about how to set up a green screen or how to colour correct images. The problem? You've probably guessed it, it's my confidence.

I feel much better when I'm behind the camera. I have no qualms when it comes to me not being the centre of attention. But for some reason, I have a sudden urge to just share my (lack of) knowledge with others and actually know how it feels to be in front of the camera. But yeah, I feel awkward in front of any lens.

Even if it's a camera on a phone, I feel awkward when someone takes a photo or a film of me, so filming and editing a CLICvlog which I'm in would be melon-twistingly awkward.

I don't think there are any other potential fails in my head that I'd like to share. There is one more, but it's way too personal to share here.

Bye then.

- Touch me, I'm going to FIN.

Sleep Clock

It happened again.

Not to the levels where the neighbours called the police because it sounded like someone was being murdered, but alas, it happened again.

I have no idea why, or how. If I did, I would be asleep right now, dreaming of delusions that could only be real in my mind. If I did, I wouldn't contaminate the internet with a worthless blog post about it.

I, being the person that I am, have been eating normally. Well, I say "normally", I mean "normally for me". For the past month or so, I've had on average about two meals a day. Maybe because seeing other people eat makes me want to just ignore food altogether or the fact that when I work on something, my body goes into you're busy and therefore have no need for food mode, which happens a lot.

Why am I saying this to you? Salt and sugar. We assumed that because I'm consuming less salt and sugar, I've kicked the whole scream like a little pig because my mind's a fucked up prick. But yesterday, what did I have? A bacon sandwich, three mentos and then chicken, rice and chips. And there was like an eighteen hour gap between the first and last meal. And all through the day, I drank squashes. I've not touched a Pepsi or a drink like that in about two months now. Fuck, that makes me sound that I was a Pepsiholic.

Anyway, that's not any different that what I had yesterday, or the day before, or the day before, or... you get the gist. Basically, what I'm saying is, my brain is fucking trolling my body, and all I want to do is punch my brain until all it can think of is ouch.

It feels like I'm going mad, sometimes. I mean, how pathetic does it sound when I say on occasion, I wake up screaming because I possibly have an intolerance to salt and/or sugar?

But enough about why I can't think of a cause for this one, and more inane bull that nobody will care to read.

Today's just been a minefield of mindfuck for me, and I don't know why. Filled of moments where I wanted to say something but my brain goes nah, don't say that, you'll look like a right pervert/arsehole/wanker if you say that. Yet, in one instance, all I want to do is compliment someone, someone who I thought looked absolutely gorgeous on that day. But my brain talks me out of doing so, in fear that I'd look a fool or just make things extremely awkward between me and the other person.

But it's not just that, it's everything. No matter what I do - filming, editing, working, even socialising - my brain will unconsciously find fault with something, or decided that whatever I'm doing is utter shit and I end up wasting hours of my time.

In the past two or three weeks, I've written about ten articles for Wicid and Clic, but they all are either documents on my computer or instantly deleted due to the perceived shitness of the written word. I could be a coward, create a fake account and upload them using that account so nobody'll know who really has written them, but I'd know.

Every idea I have, every thought I have, every comment I say, I always second guess myself, leading me to never have my idea come to life or the thought or comment never to be heard.

I don't know. Maybe it's because of some thing that happened in my history that I've condensed into the hatred of my being that exists today.

Maybe one day I'll jump off this train of thought and walk into the realms of not having second thoughts of my first ones. But then again, I have no idea whatsoever what to do to do so.

Ah well, that's a lovely end of to a shitty blog.

Now, if you excuse me, I have nothing else to do until tomorrow. Good day.

- Can't think of a witty end to this, so I'll just end with FIN

Tweets From A Twat

Do you ever sit down and wonder why you exist on the internet?

I have. Just now.

Now, before I start, this isn't a call for help. No need to worry or shit like that. Just things are making me think. Like my grammar failing. Nearly said Just thinks our makeing me thing. Today is my fail day, it seems.

I have a multitude of social network accounts, though I only use two regularly: Twitter and Tumblr. I've given my reasons why I hardly use Facebook before, I think.

Anyway, I keep using them, but to what purpose?

Are they my way to vent to the world? To share my life with others who want to know more about me?

Or is it, in all honesty, an egotistical trip down confidence lane.

I don't know, it just made me think. I mean, I just use my accounts on certain websites, there's no motive behind what I do. Well, unless I promote the shit that I do. And no, I don't take photos of my shit and add it to some fecal-loving website.

The only exception to that is my Twitter account, where I actually add my thoughts to the world. But then I think about it, is it worth it?

That question is regarding both the thought I was about to tweet and the use of Twitter itself.

First, the thought of the tweet. Or any form of update, really.

Out of all the tweets/comments/ect that I was about to publish, about 97% of them are sent to limbo with the key combination of cmd + A and backspace. Why did I italicise them? Fuck knows.

A lot of the time, I write something and instantly delete it, before even posting the fucker. Is it because I believe that the update is not of worth? Is it because I think that it would make me look stupid or something? I don't know, my improbable reader. Maybe it's a combination of everything. Maybe it's an option from a selection that's not visible to the human eye. What the fuck am I saying.

But it does pose the question "what the fuck are you doing with your life?" when you have an app on your computer that feeds Twitter and Facebook onto your desktop all the time you're online. I mean, I have TweetDeck up all the time, mostly. That means that I'll possibly get tweets and status updates the moment they are set live. That's a bit... I don't know... odd.

It's, fuck. I really have no idea what I'm writing. I'm just doing the same sodding thing I always to in this situation - write inane bullshit and having trouble keeping my mind on things. Fuck.

Anyway, I'm not that egotistical in thinking that any update I do on the web is worth it. I don't upload a song onto my SoundCloud and instantly think this is going to get me so much pussy or anything like that. More often than not, I just update it to get opinions. I have no intention for things I do to "be good".

But do social networks just feed on our primal instincts? You know, the need to feel connected with others, the need to feel stable within this planet's ecosystem that is socialism.

Or, in my re-visiting into the world of shittery, am I just over thinking things to the maximum? That is probably the thing. Yeah, most definitely the thing.

But that doesn't really answer my first question. The first question where I pondered if my existence on the web was worth it. Well, in many ways, it answers itself. There's no inherit worth of having Facebook other than being part of the times, being like everyone else. You know, using Facebook or Twitter to keep up to date with everyone else.

But then I think, isn't it just destroying the said primal needs for us to stay connected? By pouring your life in a bucket of media?

Then I think, is this was some people thought when the telephone came around? Or even the written word?

Fuck, I need to get out more.

In other news, I hate this gap between Wednesday and Monday. I just need to do something to kill time between then.

Fuck, I hope that I fill out my time until September. With anything. Ah well, there goes my smile.

- He's. A. FIN. -Ily. GUY. Also, feel free to ask me shit on my Tumblr.

Insert An Interesting Title About University Here

This week has been... er... weird.

Well, I say this week, I actually meant today.

Fuck, I really need to find ways to improve my word count other than blatantly lying to my audience.

Anyway, hello. This morning, as I woke up, I gazed upon my phone to see if I had any emails. I had one from one of the admin dudes in university, so I assumed that it was just another day in the office.

Then I noticed the subject. Then took notice of the content of the email.

Basically, they are asking my permission for them to use the work that I created for my course to show potential students what can be achieved in the course. Or something.

And I honestly have no idea what I think of this.

Obviously, I gave my permission. I have no problem with anyone using my work for advertising proposes, as long as they credit me, that's fine.

But the thing is, I'm questioning myself over this. Have they asked because they think that my work is really good? Or did they pick names at random and unfortunately for them, mine came up?

I don't know. I'm just finding it difficult that they'd say that my work is worthy for use as promotion for the course. Maybe if they were using it as a this is what students in our course who received a certain grade has created or something with far better grammar. I need a day job.

In other news, I suspected that my grades were updated, and they had. Remember the assignment I had to do? You know, the investigation into 3D theory? Well, in that module (which I think is falled Graphic Design Technology and Integration) I have earned a 2:1. Considering this was one of the modules I was shakey at (due to my lack of experience with After Effects and everything 3D), I'm bloody ecstatic over this.

Maybe having a 2:1 overall this year is possible, eh? Who knows.

In other news, the CLICvlogs are somehow getting popular. Well, what I consider popular for something that's only been live for less than half a year. One of the videos on CLICplay has had nearly fifty likes on Facebook. That's insane, that.

Also, for future me, stop being such a twat. But if something happens, update me, ya?

And that, as they say, is that.

- Do do do do do do do do do... FIN FIN

Critique Fanatique: Bridges Visual Effects Sequence

This time, it's a some kind of self Critique Fanatique. But then again, I'm not stopping you telling me what you think of it. If I didn't want any comments on the video, I wouldn't publish it online on so many social networking sites. Anyway, that's said. Boom.

If you didn't know, the last assignment that I handed in was to create a visual effects sequence to promote a product.

I, having no idea whatsoever, decided to do it on Bridges, which, according to their blog, a new and exclusive project working with LGBT young people aged 13-17 in Rhondda Cynon Taff.

This, is the final result.




I handed it in yesterday, and late last night the dude who runs Bridges, Martyn David, posted it in the Bridges Facebook Page, among other places. It had some likes, which I'm not really concerned with. To me, most of the time a like is just an acknowledgment of something, not necessarily an actual liking for something.

It also received some comments, with two people saying that it looks professional and it looks great. Which, I thank them for those comments, considering they could have just said dude, this looks like shit and you deserve a fail.

But, as I woke up this morning, feeling rather run down, I instantly thought of this video. I instantly thought of ways that I can improve it, ways to make it suck less.

You have to admit, there are aspects of this video that fail miserably. The tracking for the text could (and should) be so much better. I mean, look at the Rhondda Cynon Taff text early on in the video. That was supposed to stay with a certain tree, falling into the background. But what does it do? It pops around. Same goes to the Bridges text.

Then, there's the lighting of the video. It's really not consistent. It doesn't help that the first shot was fine, but I didn't bother changing the settings for the second and third ones, meaning that the middle shot was extremely over-exposed. I didn't notice until I opened the files up on my Mac. Word to the wise, folks, just because you're in roughly the same location doesn't mean the settings are correct.

Then there's the sound. I wish I knew how to get rid of the hum sound generated from the wind. But no, I couldn't do it.

And the still you can see before watching the footage, the image that I took on the first Bridges photoshoot, I basically used a JPEG file. I asked for the original, but couldn't get it on time for various reasons beyond my reach.

I don't know, all I see when I see this is the worst video technique wise that I've handed in. I was supposed to create a visual effects sequence, and all I've done is put some text to coincide with what is said on the video. If I get anything higher than a fail, I'll be extremely happy.

That said, I'm not saying that the video is shit, nor am I saying that what is said and done within the footage is terrible. All I'm saying is that everything done in post production is rather weak - the tracking of the text, the colour correction, the overall edits.

The last assignment I did for this assignment, I spent at least two weeks after handing it in perfecting it, and for some reason I want to do the same for this one. Well, instead of perfecting it, I just want to redo it all.

Ever the optimist.

Anyway, if you have your own opinion on the final project, feel free to comment. I really encourage others to let me know what they think of anything that I've done, whether it's a complement or a critique.

- Critique FINitique. What am I doing with my life?...

The Tale Of The Seven Assignments: Part Two

In the gripping saga of mine which I've dubbed seven assignments, two weeks, we saw that last week I spent roughly an assignment a day for four days, and I only had three assignments due in by the end of this week.

Let me start by saying this, conclusions for investigations are a bitch.

If I was writing an essay about how I created a certain design or the findings I've collected in a series of tests, that's a piece of piss. But the moment you ask me to conclude an investigation into 3D theory? Ball sack of Oedipus, that's hard.

But, I managed it, and after my presentation on Wednesday, I handed my final written report of the year.

And that's the second assignment mentioned. Remember those CLICvlogs that I probably mentioned before? Yeah, I had to present them to my lecturers and nine other people that I've never met (because I asked to do mine first because I had work to get to).

To my surprise, I felt much more comfortable with the fact that I hardly knew the other students there. If I was standing in front of others in my course, I'd feel like they were judging me, comparing my shit to their gold, as they would see it. But no, I had to present CLICvlogger to those who had never heard of them. And for my confidence, that was surprisingly good.

That said, it was terrible for my grammar. I remember, not half an hour before the presentation, I tweeted that the chances of my grammar failing me while talking is staggering. And it came to pass, that my grammar failed like a motherbitch.

One of the biggest fails was one of the last things I said. I said that through the project, I learned about photography and how to use a DSLR to its full potential. I then, trying to show the lecturers that I've applied knowledge learned from both this module and the course in general, told them that I've taken photographs of events.

But I didn't say it like that . I said something like I also covered some events photographically.

Now, is that even a fucking term?

I was so soddingly tongue tied during all of it, must have explained what the idea of CLICvlogs to them at least three times. But as the video played of people saying what they thought of the vlogs and the project, I eased into it.

Technical wise, I doubt I'll have a good mark. Come on, all I've done is film fifteen vlogs and post them online. I'm hoping that my saying that I've helped young people learn about editing and given them a chance to share their opinions with others in Wales and the world will get me at least a 2:2.

And finally, the biggest load of shit I've ever made.

I'm in no way in saying that the content is shit, nor the way its presented. All I'm saying is that the editing is utter wank, and the fact that I was supposed to make a visual effects sequence and what did I end up making? Just some shitty text appearing. I'll be lucky to scrape a third...

And that, as they say, is that. At about ten this morning, I handed in the last assignment, and as the receptionist gave me a slip confirming my final hand in, I finished my second year of university. Now, five months of nothing. Thank fuck I have a job now.

In other news, there is none. For now. Apart from I might chronicle all the derp moments from the CLICvlogs in GIF format. So many potential GIFs, so little time...

- I know it's going to be a FIN, a FI-I-I-IN.

The Tale Of The Seven Assignments: Part One

I find myself in a rather odd situation.

If you haven't guessed, it's that time when secondary school students study the shit out of their subjects for their exams, and the higher educational mongrels hand in their assignments. I am like said mongrel.

Last weekend, I started one of my many assignments. Well, seven of them to be precise. The assignment that I'm talking about was to create a DVD menu within DVD Studio Pro.

Now, as I wrote that, it made me think. Other people have assignments like write a dissertation on the Roman Empire or an understanding on how certain chemicals can destroy some viruses. And there's me, on my Mac, plodding away while creating a DVD menu. Compared to every other BSc course available, I have it shit easy. And this story will kind of prove it.

I started the assignment at about ten in the morning, and I had finished before three.

And that makes me worry a bit.

I mean, look at it. I am a university student. I am paying for my education, and I went into this assignment knowing jack shit about what I was supposed to do. And for some reason, I managed to create a half-decent DVD menu in both English and Welsh (even if I did spell pennod wrong, curse my lack of ability with the Welsh language...). And that's got me worried.

And over the past two days, I have not only finished writing about the technicalities of creating a multipage website, forum and an e-shop, but I also creating an iOS app from scratch and written a report about the techniques used. That's a fair bit to do in such a short time.

And I'm worries that it will show in the work. I know that it won't get me worldwide recognition, nor will it allow me to impregnate every woman with more vowels in their names than consonants. But I worry that the speed of the completion of the assignment will also pave the walkway of the failure of said assignment. It will show that I shall forever be a limp moth, heading to the nearest light source no matter how dim the light. What?

Anyway, I shall leave you now. Maybe just subtly beat myself up for being a shit editor.

- Something interesting that contains the capitalised words FIN.

Student Moans

What a fucking inventive title.

Yes, hello and all that.

Today started off really good, and after like one in the afternoon it turned to shit. All because of how shit the university's server is.

Actually, before then, I tried to start another of my assignments where I have to design an iPhone app. But the program that I need to use wouldn't work. It seems that I tried to log into Apple's servers incorrectly too many times and they locked my account. Now, eight hours later, I'm still waiting for a password reset email from them. I've already had two, and both were invalid. Great service, there.

Second of all, one of my assignments (which is due on Friday) is that I have to design a fully functional website. This assignment was due before Christmas, but because of some problems with the server and some the other students in the course being lazy arseholes who only want to drink and fuck, the assignment has been extended until this Friday.

Here's the great thing. A month ago, I accessed my work perfectly from home. Now? No. It's like you're trying to finish your assignment? lol jk I'ma fuck with you so you have to waste money to do something the lecturers should've asked for sixteen weeks earlier.

Web Design for Social Media really doesn't want me to pass. The wanker.

In other news, I like waking up early.

In other news, here's a link to this week's CLICvlog.

Short, full of pointlessness and includes a bit of blue. Perfectly describes my face.

- FIN, and a chicken named Gary.

Kick The Bucket

Before I start, lavate los manos (the spelling is probably wrong, sorry) is possibly my favourite moment from American Dad. You know that gun fight? Brilliant.

Anyway, for some reason I've been hearing a lot about bucket lists. No idea why. I've always seen them as rather morbid. You know, you in your early years telling your future self what to do before you fall into the eternal sleep.

I've always known about them, but it's only in the past three years or so which I've actually seen people write and complete their own ones.

Now, I may hide it really well, but I can be optimistic when I want to. I mean, I carry sunglasses around on a cloudy days, and I sing songs in my room even though my singing is the voice equivalent of a skunk fart to the nose. But I still persist, alone, like a salamander, a statistic-loving salamander. I don't know.

As you can tell, I'm shit.

Anyway, I have a thing about not writing a bucket list. It probably means that I have no imagination or no hope for the future. But, I don't know. It seems a bit, first world-like. Does that make sense?

You know, a list of things that only those who are in a "decent" country can do. And by "decent", I don't mean a country with a bad record when it comes to persecution of chickens, I mean those classed as first world.

But the main thing I have a problem with bucket lists, is that they more often than not just about going somewhere, visiting things or seeing something. Seems kind of pointless to me. You know, just going somewhere, seeing something then coming home with nothing but a memory.

If I did have a bucket list, it wouldn't be filled with one-time things, they'd be filled with things that with surpass my life.

For example, one thing that I'd put in would be to be a good father. Yes, it's a pointless hope considering the genetics I have obtained from my parents, but it'll still be there. The last thing I'd want is  to be a shit dad, a face that my children would erase from the family tree. That said, I've always had a sneaking suspicion that I'd be a terribly male role model. No idea why. Actually, I do, I just don't want to say. Yet.

The only other thing I'd stick on it is to do something - whether it's by my actions or something that I create - that will result in my name living decades (and preferably, centuries) after my death. I know, these are somewhat selfish things to ask for, but I'm sure everyone agrees that one of the worst things to happen to you as a person is to be forgotten. If I do something worthwhile in my time here on Earth, I hope that it's good and big enough to make others want to remember it.

I don't know, I can't really explain it.

But yeah, I won't be upset with myself if I don't travel the world, experiment with food and drink or whatnot before my occupation as corpse. As long as I do something worthwhile, something long lasting, then I'll be a happy corpse. If that's possible.

Also, I should note for future me, this is the first time that I've talked about death without freaking out. What does that tell you, G? Actually, that's a lie, now you're kind of freaking out. You were a dick, to be fair.

Another note, why are the two things mentioned above revolve around my legacy and not to do with things within my lifetime? Who knows...

I'm off. It's late and, for the first time, I actually want to socialise more. Yet, university work hinders that. And the fact that, you know, not a lot of people I know live close enough. What a treat eh, folks?

- I'm tired. Nothing exciting here. FIN.

White Wedding

I'm an idiot.

And you are.

But that's not the point. The point is, I'm terrible at starting blog posts.

Anyway, almost every night, I do this thing called sleeping. And that's not the same "sleeping" as "sleeping with someone". I'm no man-slag, yo.

Anyway, it seems that I have a thing for starting sentences with "anyway", so lets try again, shall we?

One night a while back, I had a dream (and if you're interested, I've just got the scene where Tidus first encounters Sin in Final Fantasy X). In this dream, I saw a girl. Well, not a girl, she was a woman. Didn't see her face, didn't really hear her name, all I saw was a body and hair.

And before you think oh, what a perv, dreaming about nude women without a face, well you're wrong. She was fully clothed. But not in jeans and a tee-shirt or whatever females wear these days.

No, it was a wedding dress. And do you know what makes things weirder? It was a wedding dress that I designed. I designed a wedding dress in my sleep, and ever since that dream whenever I had it, I can't get it out of my head.

The only problem is that I am terrible at drawing, so it will never be a reality (if, by reality, is something that is not just in your head). It's not one of these Big Fat Gypsy Wedding dresses. It's rather plain, to be fair, covering only one shoulder. Can't really describe it more than that, because I have the descriptive skills of a donkey on meth. Not sure how that works, but it seems to work for Family Guy's cutaway gags. Ah well.

Main point? I'm an idiot for having a dream about a girl in a wedding dress that I've designed somehow.

In other, less clothing news, I sleep naked. Not really, I discovered how many assignments I have due before the end of year. It's about seven of them, due in by mid May. That's a month away. Shit.

Also, I miss learning about Chemistry and Physics.

That is all.

- I think I had a dream, a dream of being alone. And I wanted someone, anyone, beside me. So I wouldn't feel alone anymore. If you know where that's from, I love you. Also, FIN.

Because Text

I have discovered something rather normal about my educational life.

And that is the following - I have no imagination.

I can't sit down and plan out what I want to do when it comes to designing shit. Here's two perfect example, set in some rather boring paragraphs.

For university, I have two assignments. The first one asks me to create a 20-30 second title sequence that involves 3D animation, and another asking me to film something and add effects in to it, either simple shit like when someone reads a text on Sherlock or when shit gets real in Harry Potter. And no, I'm not using those examples to gain readers. If I did, I'd state that I'd need to add reason to Justin Bieber's music.

But the thing is, I have no idea what I'm doing. I know what to do technique wise, but for the actual content side of things? Fuck. I'm dead inside. Nothing but soulless examples of the chances of my failing this year increases each day.

Any idea I do have, though, ends up being balls-breakingly difficult or extremely costly. I wanted to do something for the 3D assignment where a sphere falls and breaks on the floor, then the camera focusing to the logo of a news programme. But apparently, you need a plug-in for that, one that costs over £200. Curse you, nameless plug-in.

I'm also kind of dreading my mark for Sound Technology. It's just dawned on me, that module is a smaller manifestation of my entire mathematical life. When I was younger, I was really good at maths. I was almost always in the top ten percent in my year. But with each year passing, I started to progressively worsen. From high 80%s in year seven to barely scratching 55%s in my GCSE year.

It's not that I found the work difficult, it's not. I've always liked maths, and always understood everything I was told, but apparently I can't put it into practice on the examination field.

The same with Sound Tech. If someone asked me to help them set up a Z5 so they could record audio using a boom, I could help them no problem. If they need help editing the audio and making it sound unedited, I could help. But there's always a little thing that someone finds wrong in your work, whether it's an ill-explained reasoning why x is 3 or a misplaced fade out.

It's not a nerve thing, before anyone thinks that. I have never sat down before doing an exam or an assignment and thinking oh shit, I know nothing of what I need to do to pass, shit. I've never done that. When everyone around me was revising the differences between Lithium, Sodium, Magnesium and Potassium while wailing I suck at life, I'll prepare for a life of mediocrity because I don't know which elements have D-orbitals, I was just sitting there, looking over my notes while listening to some Bob Marley.

Am I just a naive idiot? One who thinks he knows his stuff but it turns out that he's just a mediocre wanker with no reason to live other than to siphon light from everyone? I don't know, but that sounds extremely sad, so to happy things up, here's a picture of a hairless cat playing a double bass.

Baaaaaaaaaaaase.

Now, in other news, I'm still alive. I've done what feels like fuck all in every aspect of my life. It feels like I'm doing fuck all with university work, and everything in work is just time consuming (not that I'm complaining about work, it's possibly one of the best things to happen to me since my introduction to Final Fantasy X, and that just shows how much of an arsehole I am).

In other, unrelated news, I'm (still) doing my CLICvlogs as part of my university work. And you know what? I really like doing them. Recently, I've kind of lost faith in them, since we've done nine or so of them and nobody was interested in being a part of it, so it was turning out to being one man and his two vlogs. And if you have no idea what I'm on about, here be link to CLICvlog, and here's another YouTube link.

But yeah, for some reason unknown to me, the past few ones have been really fun to film and edit. Maybe it's because I also filmed a vlog for Sam where he calls Jesus an attention seeker, or maybe it's the most recent one, but they've suddenly become really fun for me. I'm not saying that they were getting boring, but I'm saying that CLICvlog is starting to fulfill one of its primary aims, which is to allow young people to share their views. Yes, CLIC is there for the textual side, and CLICplay is there for video, I just thought that it was a thing to get people who are part of CLIC to join together and create something that (hopefully) everyone would at least watch one or two from time to time.

And all that from a shit idea for a university assignment. I need a life. Pity that won't be happening since I just bought Pokemon Black and Mass Effect 2. Yeah, that's right. Fear my lack of sociability in the next few months.

In other news, I'm done. And I believe my dinner is too. I shall go get it, then come back upstairs to eat it in my room alone. Maybe someday I'll write a shitty Dear World about my relationship with food. Because everyone loves reading everything I say. I'm so awesome.

- Just in case you didn't get the last bit, that was sarcasm. Also, FIN. Why do I still write FIN at the end of these? Who knows, maybe I'll get sponsored by some FIN compony or something. Also, please say I'm not the only one who saw that picture and instantly thought of the last scene of Portal 2?

Insert Interesting Title Here

I don't know why, but every few months or so, I go into some sort of episodic procrastination.

I don't really know how to describe it, but I'll try.

This week, I had to finish my design of a Flash website, upload a video to YouTube and finish editing and compositing another video for university.

Yet, I had failed in all three subjects.

That was why I was ecstatic when my lecturer said that the chroma keying video doesn't have to be in for another two weeks. But I had to upload the other video on Monday, and it's Thursday now. Fuck.

It's not just been this week, it's been like this for the past three weeks. It's like I can't get anything done, either because I don't have the motivation or I suddenly become ill for some reason or other. And it is pissing me right off.

Before, it's only been in a creative manner. Before, it was just me not knowing what to write about or not being able to write a decent riff (even though none of the songs I've written are any good). But the older I get, it seems to be infecting every other parts of my life. Ah well, I can't think of anything else to say about the manner. Mainly because I started writing this about a month ago and I cannot for the life of me remember what I was going on about.

But yeah, for some reason, all I want to do now is write. Write some inane bullshit about how to create some mediocre graphic or about my shitty opinions on modern life and humanity.

Why? I absolutely have no idea.

Maybe because it's the only output so far in my life that has an immediate result. You know, with music, I'd have to write all the parts (insert image of meme here) myself and all that. And considering that I lack talent in all sections of music, it takes an age.

Then there's the graphics side of me, which only comes around when I see things online and decide I want to follow suit. I am utterly shit with inspiration.

And as this has been a draft for ages, I shall just stay silent and end this now. I'm cool.

- INFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINFINF

Hell Blog

Note - Yeah, I have no idea what the post title means either...

Because I have no sense of anything, here is a post sighting recent annoyances. Not really targeted at anyone.

So, in other terms, if you decide to stop reading at this minute, I will not know, so it really doesn't matter.

FIrst off, people who ask me to do stuff, but makes it seem that it's the most important thing ever.

Please stop this. Really, it's annoying. You know how it seems when you ask for something in a "caring, considerate" way? You look patronising, like you're talking to a four year old and not someone five times that age.

I don't mind if you accidentally do so once in a blue moon, but not every freaking time. Talking like that doesn't make you better with children, either. It makes you a patronising bitch who thinks the only thing that's important in life is if it's something for you. Grow the fuck up.

Side note, calling a child "chicken" is probably the most horrible thing I've ever seen. It's so affectionate, yeah? You know, calling someone you love a farm animal that we kill to feed the human race. Lovely.

Second, people who complain about their choices, especially university courses.

Again, grow the fuck up. If you were thoughtful of your future, you would have looked into your preferred course. Now, you're nearly at the end of your second year and you're complaining that the course wasn't what you thought it was. It's almost exactly as it was described. The only differences are the changes the lecturers did half way through the course.

Also, fuck off with this don't like it, won't do it attitude. If you don't like it, swallow your feelings towards it and just get it over and done with. You'll get it over quicker that way.

Third, which is a link to the second point. You've studied in Wales for two years, and yet you insist to rip the piss out of the language and the accent. Really? Fuck you.

Also, your ignorance in asking why S4C is on channel four is impeccable.

Fourth, to everyone. Accept it when someone says no to something you've asked someone to do. It is not the end of the world if someone doesn't want to do something. If it's urgent and life threatening, then I understand, but I don't understand the questions that follow a denial of something. Fuck up or fuck off.

Fifth, what's the point in pointing out things that people do? Yes, I'm usually in my room and I look at funny stuff on the internet. By definition, funny stuff makes people laugh, meaning that I will possibly laugh in result. What is the point in mentioning that you can hear me laugh while in a different room?

That's it for the annoyances for now.

In other news, I have completed Final Fantasy XIII-2 (hint - there might be spoilers, but not a lot), and for some reason I'm hoping for a sequel. The only thing I will say about the story is that it seems a little to Emperor Strikes Back the more I think about it. But it does kind of hold potential for a sequel. I mean, the Farron sisters are in some way mute from life at the end of XIII-2, and all I can think of is a story driven by them, with a team of just them and the monster system.

That said, I'm not hoping for a sequel because I want Lightning, Fang and all them to live. There was absolutely no closure at the end of XIII-2, other than Hope grew up rather well (as in, he wasn't the needy runt like in XIII) and all of Noel's alternative outfits are shit ugly.

I mean, if they had the same story mechanics as XIII (as in swap from one group to another throughout the story) with the battle and leveling up system of XIII-2 and you've already on a winner. Fuck, I wouldn't care if Hope was playable. Actually, I can see that happening. Hope and Noel on one side of the story while Lightning and Serah in a different scenario for the other side of the story. I don't know, I'm just talking utter nonsense now.

Also, I've finished Assassin's Creed Revelations. Loved it, and surprisingly finished it rather quickly. Roll on III, I say.

University wise, I have still not failed anything this year, yet my run of no results under 60% has failed, with my sound technology assignment falling somewhere in the 50% region. Nothing to cry about, but just something to make me think.

I'll end it here, m'need to do shitloads of editing and writing because I have no soul, ya?

- The FIN is my only family.