Ideas Inc

Two blog posts in a day? Man, shit must have really hit the fan.

Well, not really, I'm just saying stuff for the sake of it.

For the past like, month or so, I've wanted to do so many things and I don't know why. So this is just a chronicle of my failures, even though most of them will never happen. How lucky are you?

Number one, even though I am in no way a photographer, I would absolutely love to go to Cardiff Bay at three in the morning and just take photos of things, especially when the sun comes up.

I have no idea why, but for a while now it's something that I want to do. To cover an area that I have no real knowledge of and photograph it in a time where the majority of the people in Wales are asleep. It would be brilliant. But there are problems.

Well for starters, even though there'd hardly be anyone there, I'd still feel awkward taking photos in public. Secondly, the chances of someone else coming with me would be slim, meaning that I'd be on my own, meaning that I'd feel even more uncomfortable. So, until I somehow gain confidence or until someone else thinks shit, that sounds like something I want to do too, count me in, then it shall forever be a dream.

And I know, Cardiff Bay isn't the best place in the world, I just thought that would be a good starting point.

The second one is also linked to photography. And also sounds like I'm a sad deluded child.

I have this image in my head. It's of a girl sitting down in a park or something similar with the sun behind her. She's looking down, and she's smiling. Not one of those half arsed smiles that people give when you point a camera at them and tell them to smile, but a genuine smile. One of the images is of her just about to smile (you know what I mean, right? As in that moment before you fully smile?...) and then another shot of her fully smiling, again not after I say cheese.

And now I have probably lost fifty man points. Then again, I wasn't doing well in the manly stakes anyway.

I can't get this image out of my head and, considering my Photoshopping skills aren't that good, I won't be able to just do a cut and shut job to give you as an example. But again, this brings a few problems, mainly considering that the subject is a girl.

And by that, I mean that I feel awkward asking a girl if I can take photos of her. Even if I state what I have in mind and I'm not trying to get both of us into the porn industry, it still sounds slightly odd.

Not only that, and this is probably going to be construed as sexist, but I find it even awkward still if it was male. But that said, I feel rather awkward when I'm editing a picture or a video of a male person. I just feel much at east working with imagery that has a female subject. And now that's going to be read as if I'm a pervert.

I can't explain it. It's not that I'm secretly gay and I always feel attracted to any male people in the imagery that I edit, because that's not true. Neither is it true that I want to bang any girls that are in a certain piece of footage. There's some unexplainable reason that I find it at least ten times easier to edit an image that has a female in than a male. If that does indeed make me sexist towards my own gender, then so be it.

The third idea (part one) is totally down to my inexperience with 3D software.

I have an idea for a series. A series which uses 3D throughout the thing. For some reason, I've codenamed it Fallen.

Basically, if you've watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children and most importantly the last half of it, you might have an idea of what I'm thinking of doing.

But I don't mean that I want to do a rip off of Advent Children. I want to do something similar, yes, but not rip off. I don't want to create a character that is similar to Cloud, Tifa, Sephiroth and co and have them do the same moved they did in that film. Neither do I want to rip off Devil May Cry 3, but just use them as influences to create this impossible series.

I have no idea what the focus of Fallen would be. I don't know what the story is, or the characters or the structure of the series. All I know is that I have this idea, and every day I keep thinking of different scenes, and after I think of them, I just imagine how bollock hard they'd be to pull off. Shit the bed.

Part two, which I'm linking with my Fallen idea, is that I want to do an animation relating to bullying, using this song by My Morning Jacket as the background music. The part I want to use for the bullying animation is from about 4:30 onwards.



The idea I had for this is someone being bullied is contemplating committing suicide. They are up on a tall building (so tall that the camera can't even see the ground, if that makes sense). They then turn around to look at the people behind them, and sees ghosts of people who has bullied them, and begin to fall backwards (the moment the guitar does the dive bomb thing).

Then after a few seconds of falling (and other shit), there's a hand coming from the heavens. The person thinks it's the hand of God, and reaches out to hold it. There's a slow motion sequence where they are about touch, which cuts back to the building top. It was a human hand, grabbing the person who was about to fall, stopping the inevitable death. It ends with the two hugging each other, crying. Others appear on the rooftop, standing there, staring at the person who was about to die.

Yes, it makes no sense theoretically. When I came up with it, I had a slogan saying Bullying: It's Not Worth Dying For at the end of it. It will not work, mind, mainly because the idea is utter shit, but also because again my skills with 3D are terrible. Maybe one day, but in a decades time, not in the short term.

The forth one is similar. Kind of. I again have an image in my head. This time, it's of a wedding dress.

No, there's nobody special in that dress, so nobody ask me who I was thinking of in a wedding dress. The person doesn't matter.

What matters is that I thought of an idea for a wedding dress. The problem? I can't draw to save my life. The only conceivable way that I could illustrate what the dress would look like is if I either go an create it in real life or using a 3D program. And both of those will fail because I have no idea when it comes to fashion design and am incompetent in 3D software too.

The only thing I can say is that Final Fantasy has indeed influenced it. And no, I don't mean that it's short and shows off the girls booby area like some of the designs (especially Tifa and Rikku in X-2). If you're an FF nut, try and think of a hybrid of Yuna's wedding dress, Lightning's costume in XIII and Haley's wedding dress in that episode of American Dad. You know the one, that one where she's a sleeping agent and Stan activates her by saying I'm getting tired of this orgasm? Yeah, not sure if anyone can actually imagine a hybrid of that style.

I honestly don't know why this idea is in my head. I've never really had an interest in fashion design, and yet here I am, laying in my bed, imagining someone wearing my idea as a wedding dress. I don't know.

Fifthly, I want to actually do a CLICvlog of my own.

On what? Well, I'd like to do a tutorial one, maybe one about how to set up a green screen or how to colour correct images. The problem? You've probably guessed it, it's my confidence.

I feel much better when I'm behind the camera. I have no qualms when it comes to me not being the centre of attention. But for some reason, I have a sudden urge to just share my (lack of) knowledge with others and actually know how it feels to be in front of the camera. But yeah, I feel awkward in front of any lens.

Even if it's a camera on a phone, I feel awkward when someone takes a photo or a film of me, so filming and editing a CLICvlog which I'm in would be melon-twistingly awkward.

I don't think there are any other potential fails in my head that I'd like to share. There is one more, but it's way too personal to share here.

Bye then.

- Touch me, I'm going to FIN.

Sleep Clock

It happened again.

Not to the levels where the neighbours called the police because it sounded like someone was being murdered, but alas, it happened again.

I have no idea why, or how. If I did, I would be asleep right now, dreaming of delusions that could only be real in my mind. If I did, I wouldn't contaminate the internet with a worthless blog post about it.

I, being the person that I am, have been eating normally. Well, I say "normally", I mean "normally for me". For the past month or so, I've had on average about two meals a day. Maybe because seeing other people eat makes me want to just ignore food altogether or the fact that when I work on something, my body goes into you're busy and therefore have no need for food mode, which happens a lot.

Why am I saying this to you? Salt and sugar. We assumed that because I'm consuming less salt and sugar, I've kicked the whole scream like a little pig because my mind's a fucked up prick. But yesterday, what did I have? A bacon sandwich, three mentos and then chicken, rice and chips. And there was like an eighteen hour gap between the first and last meal. And all through the day, I drank squashes. I've not touched a Pepsi or a drink like that in about two months now. Fuck, that makes me sound that I was a Pepsiholic.

Anyway, that's not any different that what I had yesterday, or the day before, or the day before, or... you get the gist. Basically, what I'm saying is, my brain is fucking trolling my body, and all I want to do is punch my brain until all it can think of is ouch.

It feels like I'm going mad, sometimes. I mean, how pathetic does it sound when I say on occasion, I wake up screaming because I possibly have an intolerance to salt and/or sugar?

But enough about why I can't think of a cause for this one, and more inane bull that nobody will care to read.

Today's just been a minefield of mindfuck for me, and I don't know why. Filled of moments where I wanted to say something but my brain goes nah, don't say that, you'll look like a right pervert/arsehole/wanker if you say that. Yet, in one instance, all I want to do is compliment someone, someone who I thought looked absolutely gorgeous on that day. But my brain talks me out of doing so, in fear that I'd look a fool or just make things extremely awkward between me and the other person.

But it's not just that, it's everything. No matter what I do - filming, editing, working, even socialising - my brain will unconsciously find fault with something, or decided that whatever I'm doing is utter shit and I end up wasting hours of my time.

In the past two or three weeks, I've written about ten articles for Wicid and Clic, but they all are either documents on my computer or instantly deleted due to the perceived shitness of the written word. I could be a coward, create a fake account and upload them using that account so nobody'll know who really has written them, but I'd know.

Every idea I have, every thought I have, every comment I say, I always second guess myself, leading me to never have my idea come to life or the thought or comment never to be heard.

I don't know. Maybe it's because of some thing that happened in my history that I've condensed into the hatred of my being that exists today.

Maybe one day I'll jump off this train of thought and walk into the realms of not having second thoughts of my first ones. But then again, I have no idea whatsoever what to do to do so.

Ah well, that's a lovely end of to a shitty blog.

Now, if you excuse me, I have nothing else to do until tomorrow. Good day.

- Can't think of a witty end to this, so I'll just end with FIN