''And now, a poem about men...''
Anticipation rained down on the audience of friends, family, the neighbors cat and a teddy called Felix. They, apart from the cat and the teddy, sat on the edge of their seats.
''BASTARDS!! BLOODY BASTARDS!!...''
Who knew she was not okay about her partner, going off with a transvestite?
Lavender, who was called 'Lavvey' by many a bully, was not the type of girl who bellowed 'bastard' every single minute of the day. Nearly seventeen, who knew her older boyfriend would ditch her in the toilet? As she ended her poem with a large scream, in which the word was a cockney slang for 'James Blunt', she ran out of the room, went upstairs and listened to the symphony of metal. This was also called Metalica by many.
''WHY DID HE BREAK MY HEART?!?! WHY!!!!??'', a scream shattered the deathly silence left by her in the front room.
'Well, it's a right shock to me, this is. Who'd've thought Lavvey had so much rage in her body?'' the grandmother thought out loud. ''I mean, it's not a type of thing not to be angry about, isn't it? I mean, if Charles here fancied the women with an extra bulge in their trousers, I'd be pretty pissed off too!!''
''Mother!''
''I'm only saying, love! Only saying! Well, Jesus Jane! You really take after my father, aye. He always talked posh like you. But me? Mother's girl, I am. Well, was. Dead now, isn't she? If only that ambulance didn't have to come out to the neighbors', to get that bugger Winston to the ol' folks home...''
''Mother! Can't you see dear Lavender is heartbroken? And all you can do is make light conversation?'' It was true, Jane was only like her mother in name alone. Though, it does get confusing when there are two people named Jane in the house.
''What do you expect me to do? Go out there, find Tim, and kick him in shitless?'' she stared at her daughter, then said, majestically ''I, am a retired woman. I deserve to be treated with respect. And that includes my opinions, right love?''
''Oh, mother!!''
''Don't you 'oh, mother' me!''
''Well'', Jane was improvising, she finally lost control of any sane conversation. ''I know! Michael! Do your speech your going to do about recycling batteries! You need the practice!'' The crowd, although not optimistic about hearing about the possibilities of batteries, preferred that to three hours of watching Gran's old videos in the butchers.
''Well, if I must...''. Michael walked to the front of the audience. He was the appendix of the family. He's there, but nobody really knows why. ''Ahem, ladies and gentlemen... and, Felix...''
Jane stumbled out of the room, rested her weary body on the chair lift, thinking on how her lovely, quirky daughter could turn out so posh.
''Did you know batteries are the servants of the technological world? They only do two things in life - they either live. OR THEY DIE...'' If anyone needed any proof on why Michael had an overactive imagination, this was it.
Jane, after thinking of what a weirdo Michael is, walked into poor Lavender's room, sat right beside the crying girl to comfort her.
''Hey, Lav. Don't cry, love. It's not that bad, this. You could've done a whole lot better than that, that Tim bloke!!''
''He said he loved me...' muttered Lavender into a shirt Tim had left one day after sleeping over there.
''Well, you can't trust men, can you? Can't trust anyone whose hair and eyebrows didn't match. You never caught a glimpse of his pubes, did you? I bet they didn't match either, that's what you get when you give your heart to a man named Tim''.
''I gave him my flower! He took my flower and shattered it to pieces!!''
''Is that what they call it these days...''
Lavender, sitting up on her bed, rested her head on her pillow as she looked, aimlessly through the window.
''Look, Lavvey. Remember the first time you went out with this Tim? I mentioned about all this shagging process, didn't I?''
Lavender chuckled. ''Mention it? I bet you made diagrams and all!''
''Well, I couldn't bring them over, couldn't I? You know what your mam's like. She thinks bondage is a way to make sure your tiles don't fall off the wall. But, let me tell you about Dai. Oh, yes. I called him Dai Gi Bach, y'know. Because his bollocks looked like two paw prints.'' Lavender's frown turned upside down, and gave a little giggle. ''Don't you laugh! Best buggering I ever had, from Dai Gi Bach! Pity he died. Would've liked to tug him off one more time before Death came, like...''
''GRAN!! How old are you??''
''Just because I'm nearly ninety eight, doesn't mean I can't suck a boy off like the rest of the slags on the street! Remember, Lav. I've been in three home-made movies, I have yes. But, oh. Dai Gi Bach was one shag to remember. Was Tim?''
''GRAN!!'' Lavender was really shocked. Whilst many grans will complain about how much bread has gone up, Jane would go on about teaching the whores in Cardiff how to give a proper one for more money. Lavender laughed at the question. ''He didn't, take my flower... he, sort of touched it...''
''Ah, a bit of fingering never hurt anyone! Well, apart from my cousin. Ah, she was a right harlot. She always did the spitroast at least twice a week. She even let my ol' boyfriend, Harry, park in her back alley! She was a right bitch...''
''What did you do, gran?'' Lavender was happier now, nobody can be upset when there's a gran like this around the place.
''Well, what can you do about it? Nothing. Apart from clamping nipple clamps onto her tits and connect them to an electricity pylon. She's a father now. Well, she was born a girl, then after the whole 'tit-to-electricity' thing, she turned into a man. Then, a year later, wanting to change back to womanhood, then another year later, she wanted to go back to a man! Typical woman!'' Lavender was in hysterics at this point. ''Oh, the real reason she had to turn back to a woman is because she got pregnant as a woman, all those spitroasts I expect. When she was giving birth, she was Steven, a bloke, like. Then, I remember being in the hospital, the doctors said to her ''the good news is, you have a healthy baby boy. The bad news is your cock has been blown off''.
Lavender, seemingly on a lifetime supply of laughing gas, composed herself, and looked into her wacky gran's eyes.
''You see, Lav. It doesn't matter what infertile thing that enters you. It's the fertile things you have to be weary of. I mean, God didn't put men on earth just to fuck constantly! Vibrators can't mow the lawn, you know. But, being serious now. Don't cry over him. It's his fault he'd rather a transvestite to a beautiful girl like you. Just be glad you don't have the cock. Must be a nightmare to run with that. I mean, if your boxers are loose, it'll be banging your legs all the time. And if that makes you have a hard one, then you'll be forever horny, wouldn't you?''
''Mother! I do not expect my daughter to hear about these things at such a young age!!'' Jane Junior eavesdropped on the conversation, thinking, but was upmost horrified at the mention of spitroasts. She was a vegan, after all. ''Lavender, come with me. Your salad's getting wet''.
''That's the only thing o'mine that WILL get wet for the moment...'' Lavender whispered to herself.
As they walked downstairs, Michael was finishing his second speech, and beginning his third.
''And that's how I will be the first person to touch MC Hammer. Next, I will give my theory on the man who invented fire...''
