Take A Number, Stay In Line

Once again, it is a blog post at the end of the year.

Once again, I'm going to review my year.

Once again, I use a lyric from a song as a blog title.

And once again, nobody cares.

So, what did I write this time last year for myself? Thanks fuck for copy-paste, that's all I'm saying...

1. Stay up there with my university course. Basically, I'm aiming for a first overall, but I will be content with anything from 2:1 up (or a extremely high 2:2 and up).
2. Improve my abilities with the Welsh language. This should get better due to me translating stuff, but I'm not doing too well at the moment...
3. Don't go into debt (and, if they allow it, stay as a Clic employer for as long as possible - optional).
4. Keep writing my Dear World series (though it might turn from a weekly thing to fortnightly, depending on what else I'm doing).
5. Improve my musical abilities.
6. Complete as many Final Fantasy games as possible. This isn't being serious, I just think it's sad that I've only really completed two of the games (three if you count Dissidia Duodecim) and I've got about five or six of them. It's rather sad to just not complete the games from this epic series (and write reviews for them - optional).
7. Improve your new media skills. And no, I don't mean social media, I mean with editing and design stuff.
8. Build up confidence. I don't mean this so I'd go out more and start performing Shakespeare's plays in the middle of Cardiff, but more so I'd be able to edit a video of myself without flinching over the sound of my voice or how hideous I think I look...

So, did 2012 me succeed in what 2011 me wanted to accomplish?

Well, I would consider the first one a success. I passed my second year in university with a 2:1, earning a few firsts in my assignments. Bad thing is that I only had one assignment that was less than a 2:1, but luckily the average is that I had a decent 2:1 for my second year.

I'll be honest here, although I didn't write it down, I have no idea about my success in my placement. If I had to rate myself, I'd say I'd get a third for my performance. I don't know, just seems as if I'm not doing good enough. Ah well.

Second, my Welsh. To be honest, I don't think I've improved at all. I've been told that my translating skills are good and are improving, but as for linguistical skills, I don't think I've improved at all.

I mean, there have been a few instances where I've spoken to someone in Welsh without feeling I'm being judged. The main one was when I was in the Eisteddfod and I was talking to a past student of Glamorgan Uni about Welsh and courses. It was the first time where I didn't feel like I was an amateur when speaking the language. Which, you know, was nice.

Third, money. I can happily say that I've not been in debt once yet. Not even touched my overdraft. An even better thing is that I'm still employed by Clic. That's still mad, that. I have no idea why they still think I'm good enough to be employed by them. Mad that.

Only down side is that I've still yet to actively save up money. Hopefully in the new year, I'll bunk up an ISA or something. Anyway, back to the drawing board.

I've totally failed with keeping up with my Dear World articles. Simply put, I haven't had the time. I'm still writing them, and I think I've surpassed fifty of them this year, but nowhere near once a week. Same goes for the CLICvlog thing. That should have been once a week, but I've missed twelve of them. Ah well. Maybe I'll improve next year.

Not going to lie to you, but I have no idea if I've improved any of my musical skills. I suppose I've kind of improved with guitar, considering I can now play the intro solo for Metallica's One. I know it's a simple part of the song, but I finally (almost) nailed it. Nowhere near performing standards, mind, but still.

But since I'm here, might as well talk about the social media one. I guess I've gotten a tad bit better with it. With After Effects, definitely, but with other things, I'd say I failed to improve. Feels like all I've done is just stay average in everything else, or dramatically failing in some aspects (ahem... Photoshop). But yeah, still a ways to go if I want to be at a standard where people would pay me a pretty penny for my skills.

And to my joke one. I think I've only really completed one Final Fantasy title, and that's Dissidia Duodecim. Ah well, I didn't really mean I'd complete all of them, I just thought I'd look more into a franchise that I rather like.

And last, my confidence. The only thing I can confidently say is that I'm still that prick with no confidence. The only thing, I'd say, that has remotely improved is my confidence in motion graphics, but then there's things where I just look at and my confidence just falls back down to non-existent levels.

More so towards the end of this year, it's been a bigger problem, and it's been more obvious that something has to be done, otherwise I'll just die a lonely bastard with nothing to my name except a headful of regret.

I have nothing else to say, really. So, with that done, lets see if I can try and write some goals that I'll fail at like the last few years.

1. Build confidence. It's obvious that I need to do this. I don't know where to start, or how it will happen. Long story short, this needs to be done, or I'll just be a prick like the last few years.
2. Not to cock up, university wise. 2013 will see me finish my placement and start my last year. The last thing I want to do is mess up with my placement, but hopefully I'll be on my way to at least a hight 2:1 in my course.
3. Same vein as the last one (and last years), improve my skills in media. You know - audio, video, animation, text and iamge. Includes using the Welsh language as often as possible too.
4. This isn't as strong as the other ones, but at least two CLICvlogs and two Dear Worlds a month. Twenty six of each should give me an achievable challenge.

Those are the ones I've given myself, but I've been given a few as well by some people too. Which are...

1. Eat different stuff. Not entirely sure what was said, but I think it was try to eat something totally different than what I'm used to every month. Because I usually eat basic stuff. 'Cause, y'know, I'm not really a fan of eating things.
2. Eat socially every other month. They said eating in the car after picking up a McDonald's doesn't count. Poo. I'm also guessing socialise outside of work/uni is one too. Meh.

So yeah, that's it. 2012 was the year where I tried to do things and failed miserably. If I didn't fail, I wouldn't be writing this at eleven at night. I'd be out, celebrating the new year.

What a way to end a yearly review post.

Actually, fuck it. I'm not ending it there. There's a handful of people I want to thank, but not in the emotional way actors do when they win an award for crying good. By the way, I'm not going to name anyone, just certain things. Go me and my insecurity of calling someone a friend because I don't know if they consider me the same.

First of all, to those who took part in the CLICvlogs. I know it's not the best project in the world, so the fact that some people are actually interested in doing it. I hope that there's a part of their want to vlog on their own channel is a result of taking part in the CLICvlog project, even if it's just to create something better than I could. Happiness indeed.

Second thanks goes to those who work at Clic. Y'know, for being patient with me learning the ropes and helping me with a lot of things, whether it's work or personal. 

Last, to nobody else, because I don't think I have anyone else to thank. Man, that makes me sound like a dick.

So that's it. My last blog post of 2012. Roll on '13.

And to quote my Dear World series.

I thank ye, world.

- FIN. FIN, FIN, FIN. FINpa Gangnam Style.

I Don't Know

It seems as if I have a love/hate relationship with the stuff I make.

This week, I did this.

It was for the AE Challenge I set myself, where I was planning on designing something every other day during the Christmas holidays. This was the second one.

I used Particular to get the whole line stuff, and then other stuff to get the other stuff. Very informative information, there.

Anyway, considering I made this in under two hours or so (and off memory, too), I'm rather pleased with the result. But, there seems to be something off with it.

At first, I thought it was the kerning, the fact that (for example) you can see the end of the 'y' inside the 'D', or that there's a shadow for the text but not for the actual lines. I have no idea.

I also have trouble labeling the style of this. Is this style suited more for a poster promoting dubstep or house music more than a personal desktop background?

I don't know.

And that's something that seems to be my saying of the last few months.

For some reason, I just say I don't know if I have no idea how to explain myself or something I've been asked about. Some times, it's because I have no idea about it.

Other times, mind, it's think it's because I assume that I'm instantly wrong, therefore I instantly think that I shield myself by just saying I don't know rather than just saying what I believe, right or wrong.

Is this real life? Or is it just idiocy?

Like many things, I don't know.

In other news, I've failed the whole AE challenge thing that I gave myself, and I failed it miserably. No idea why. I was really up for it, but then my mind decided that thinking about things was more important than developing my After Effects skills. If it does the same when I'm in my second half of my placement, I'll go ape shit.

And that's another thing, In about two weeks, I'll be starting my second placement, this time with Burning Red. my fuck, that's both worrying and brilliant at the same time.

In other, other news, I've started to write scripts for videos for some reason. I've finished one, and I've almost written the second one. Both of them make no sense, both of them involve After Effects and both involve at least one character lying on the ground in pain. No idea why I've suddenly thought you know what would be funny? If one person stands for something they wrongly believe and punishes another person by putting someone else in a world of pain. 

Brilliant, brain. Absolute brilliance.

Anyway, the ideas aren't original. Someone, somewhere has already done it three thousand times, and they've done it to a higher standart that I'll ever hope to reach. I just really need the practice in After Effects that involve live action. Not really had enough practice with it.

Ah well.

Anyway, I should leave for now. It's time I should go to sleep if I want to get back into waking up early before I go back to work.

- Back in the day, we didn't finish blog posts with a stupid sentence and putting FIN in there somewhere. We had decent endings, ones that made you feel loved and happy and had a message about not smoking or something.

Half Way There

Yesterday was the beginning of the end of my work placement.

I've finished in my first half of my placement, and when I go back in January I'll be starting again in new surroundings.

Well, not completely starting again. I'll still (probably) be working on the same projects as I have been these past few months, and I do know most of the people who I'll be working with next year, but you get the idea.

Anyway, my last day was yesterday, which was another failed doomsday prediction. I now have a few weeks of doing absolutely nothing. No more edit this or render that or stop doing that, you're doing it wrong, you need to do it like this, yadda yadda yadda. Nah, I'm joking, nobody was like that. I think.

Anynoodles, for the first time in about six or so months (give or take a few days for being ill and that), I'm not going to be doing work for someone else. If I do anything, it would be for my own benefit, my own experience.

And to be completely honest, it's like my mind's in two places about it.

I planned to do something productive during my two or so weeks off. If you're not one to read things on other websites, I basically challenged myself to create things using After Effects as the main programme.

I kept thinking that I could give myself like extra challenges in it, like in one piece I would forbid myself for using any form of 3D layers, and maybe one where I'm not allowed to pre-comp layers, and a God mode, where I need to do an animation using Comic Sans and make it look professional. And considering I can't make anything professional, that's going to be one challenge and four halves.

But the thing is, it's like my mind can't think for itself, but at the same time it wants to be active.

I'm not one of these people who has a rest. I rather hate it when I have nothing to do, because it feels like all I would do if I do nothing is rot inside. If I don't have work to do or exams to study for, I just feel like I'm wasting time. Time, and my mind.

What lovely thoughts I have.

So, the first day in my Christmas and New Year holidays, and I'm already wishing that I'd be back in work on the Monday.

It's the same every year, and I say so each year. And I do absolutely fuck all to combat it each year. Why? I have absolutely no clue whatsoever. Maybe because I have no idea how to. Maybe it's because I just have an inherit feeling in my head that whatever I try to do, I'd just fuck it up somehow.

And yes, I'm perfectly aware of the saying "the only ones who truly fail are those who don't try" or whatever it's called.

I'm not saying it's true, mind. I'm just thinking of possibilities.

Anyway, that's if for now.

- Kill Bill Vol. 2 just finished, so I suppose it's an optimal time for me to write FIN at the same time, eh? No, didn't think so.

Come Clarity

Do you ever just wish you can turn your brain off?

And no, I don't mean kill your brain.

Spoiler warning - I'm going to sound like some hideously pathetic child in this post. Another spoiler warning - I'm probably not going to make sense. What joy.

About two days ago, I was doing something. It doesn't really matter what I was doing: I could have been just playing around on the computer, I could have been arm wrestling baby chickens. All that matters is that I was doing something.

When I was doing something, I was thinking about stuff. Nothing major, probably just thinking about the thing I was doing.

But then, because I was thinking, my thoughts began to go into a different direction. My thoughts went from whatever menial task that I was doing, to thoughts about how I'm doing shit at what I was doing, which in turn made me think about the past, either about what I did or what I didn't do. Then, I thought about how my life would have changed now if I made different decisions back in the day, then thoughts came about how I'm going to die in the future, which made me think about the whole Mayan prophecy bullshit.

And that's how I ended up watching videos from a NASA scientist and reading things that explained why the whole December 21st 2012 thing was a hoax.

Off topic, but I don't believe in it. I just despise the fact that people both make doomsday predictions and believe them. I mean, we're humans living on the knife edge of existence as it is, it's a miracle how we're still alive as a species. So, if that's the case, why do people not celebrate life and its diversity and instead wonder on how it will end?

Ah, the world's kind of fucked up.

Anyway. It took about two hours for me to be doing things and thinking about what I was doing to reading about 2012. It took me two more hours or so to stop looking into it. It ended in me saying fuck it and putting my Mac down to just try to not think, which didn't work, so I just played a bit of Pokemon.

It was the same today. I was in work, looking for things to do, but then I started to feel weird. Not ill, not anything emotional either, just... weird. I then thought that I'd read some technology news to try to stop me thinking, which then landed me in a pile of news about the Census and the Welsh language, which made me think about my use of the Welsh language, then after more thinking about more idiotic things I ended on the subject of my friends, thinking about different things like who do I really consider a friend, and if in turn they consider me as one.

Now, it may come as a surprise to you, but I've been told that I think too much. Seems as if people don't understand why I think too much. Which is fair enough, since they don't think the same as I do.

Ever since I was young, I was thinking. Maybe not to the degree I am now, but I was thinking. I'm not saying I was an amateur theologist or whatever, contemplating life's wonders and shit like that. It's just that, when you're not from a well-off family and not a social butterfly, the only real way to keep your brain active is by thinking, whether it's making up scenes or just thinking about how others may perceive you.

I've also been told by a few that I need to stop thinking, to stop over-analyzing little things. But I have no idea how. It's like my brain hates inactivity, all it wants to do is work, whether that is thinking about tasks, mathematical and scientific questions, memorising things or just plain thinking about my life and how it affects everyone else's.

I honestly have no idea what I was trying to accomplish with this post. Maybe I'm just trying to figure out myself, to wonder why I've become such an arsewipe of a person.

Before I go, I'd like to share a song. It's only in the past two months that I've rediscovered In Flames. When in work, I decided to play their songs while setting up a photography shoot, and I fell in love with their songs. In particular, this one.



That's it for now.

- I want you to lead me, take me somewhere, don't want to live in a FIN one more day.

Turn Of The Century (And A Half)

For those who are counting, this is my 150th blog post.

150 blog posts in five years. Not sure that's a good or bad thing.

One thing I'm also unsure if it's good or not is that I'm getting back into Guitar Hero. I used to play that to death back in the day. I even wrote on the wall next to my television the scores I had when playing certain songs, mainly Free Bird in II and Through The Fire And Flames in III (both on Expert, but the latter one on practice mode, I could never get past the first section).

It was like my way of competing with myself. I only just manage to five star Free Bird once, Always did the same thing when I played on III - Played Talk Dirty To Me and other songs to warm up, then try to FC Reptilia and other songs before I try and beat my old scores in the harder tiers.

And you wonder why I've been single all my life...

I still remember the path of Talk Dirty To Me. I played that song to death, that and Knights Of Cydonia and My Name Is Jonas.

Well, I suppose it'll be a good thing that I'm getting back into Guitar Hero. I'll need to do something to keep me occupied when it's Christmas. Because, y'know, I just do the same thing as always, stay in doing fuck all. Maybe this year, I'll actually create something in After Effects. Maybe I might skin a cat, or . Nothing is impossible. Well, maybe the After Effects thing is for me...

In other news, I've had my first credit for work I've done. In this thing I've been working on for the last couple of whiles, I'm down as the Compositor and Motion Graphics person. Which is, y'know, the things I did for it. So yeah, my name is down as a credit for something. Suppose it's a good thing.

Another thing is that I've let CLICvlog slide. There are many reasons for this. One is that there hasn't been a time where I could meet up with people to film one. The other is that I just haven't had the motivation to film and edit them.

It's not that I don't want to do the project anymore, because I do want to keep it alive. I just seem to be consumed by utter shit sometimes. Yeah, like that makes sense.

That's it really. The only other things that I've learned is that the Welsh apparently use "goc oen" as an insult and I can only look at photos of myself if I don't look straight into the camera. Makes perfect sense, that. Oh, and I feel taller after I play the drums.

And that, as that old man from Final Fantasy X say that they say, is that.

Am y tro, boyos.

- Every time I look in your eyes, every time I'm watching you FIN.