I Don't Know

It seems as if I have a love/hate relationship with the stuff I make.

This week, I did this.

It was for the AE Challenge I set myself, where I was planning on designing something every other day during the Christmas holidays. This was the second one.

I used Particular to get the whole line stuff, and then other stuff to get the other stuff. Very informative information, there.

Anyway, considering I made this in under two hours or so (and off memory, too), I'm rather pleased with the result. But, there seems to be something off with it.

At first, I thought it was the kerning, the fact that (for example) you can see the end of the 'y' inside the 'D', or that there's a shadow for the text but not for the actual lines. I have no idea.

I also have trouble labeling the style of this. Is this style suited more for a poster promoting dubstep or house music more than a personal desktop background?

I don't know.

And that's something that seems to be my saying of the last few months.

For some reason, I just say I don't know if I have no idea how to explain myself or something I've been asked about. Some times, it's because I have no idea about it.

Other times, mind, it's think it's because I assume that I'm instantly wrong, therefore I instantly think that I shield myself by just saying I don't know rather than just saying what I believe, right or wrong.

Is this real life? Or is it just idiocy?

Like many things, I don't know.

In other news, I've failed the whole AE challenge thing that I gave myself, and I failed it miserably. No idea why. I was really up for it, but then my mind decided that thinking about things was more important than developing my After Effects skills. If it does the same when I'm in my second half of my placement, I'll go ape shit.

And that's another thing, In about two weeks, I'll be starting my second placement, this time with Burning Red. my fuck, that's both worrying and brilliant at the same time.

In other, other news, I've started to write scripts for videos for some reason. I've finished one, and I've almost written the second one. Both of them make no sense, both of them involve After Effects and both involve at least one character lying on the ground in pain. No idea why I've suddenly thought you know what would be funny? If one person stands for something they wrongly believe and punishes another person by putting someone else in a world of pain. 

Brilliant, brain. Absolute brilliance.

Anyway, the ideas aren't original. Someone, somewhere has already done it three thousand times, and they've done it to a higher standart that I'll ever hope to reach. I just really need the practice in After Effects that involve live action. Not really had enough practice with it.

Ah well.

Anyway, I should leave for now. It's time I should go to sleep if I want to get back into waking up early before I go back to work.

- Back in the day, we didn't finish blog posts with a stupid sentence and putting FIN in there somewhere. We had decent endings, ones that made you feel loved and happy and had a message about not smoking or something.

Half Way There

Yesterday was the beginning of the end of my work placement.

I've finished in my first half of my placement, and when I go back in January I'll be starting again in new surroundings.

Well, not completely starting again. I'll still (probably) be working on the same projects as I have been these past few months, and I do know most of the people who I'll be working with next year, but you get the idea.

Anyway, my last day was yesterday, which was another failed doomsday prediction. I now have a few weeks of doing absolutely nothing. No more edit this or render that or stop doing that, you're doing it wrong, you need to do it like this, yadda yadda yadda. Nah, I'm joking, nobody was like that. I think.

Anynoodles, for the first time in about six or so months (give or take a few days for being ill and that), I'm not going to be doing work for someone else. If I do anything, it would be for my own benefit, my own experience.

And to be completely honest, it's like my mind's in two places about it.

I planned to do something productive during my two or so weeks off. If you're not one to read things on other websites, I basically challenged myself to create things using After Effects as the main programme.

I kept thinking that I could give myself like extra challenges in it, like in one piece I would forbid myself for using any form of 3D layers, and maybe one where I'm not allowed to pre-comp layers, and a God mode, where I need to do an animation using Comic Sans and make it look professional. And considering I can't make anything professional, that's going to be one challenge and four halves.

But the thing is, it's like my mind can't think for itself, but at the same time it wants to be active.

I'm not one of these people who has a rest. I rather hate it when I have nothing to do, because it feels like all I would do if I do nothing is rot inside. If I don't have work to do or exams to study for, I just feel like I'm wasting time. Time, and my mind.

What lovely thoughts I have.

So, the first day in my Christmas and New Year holidays, and I'm already wishing that I'd be back in work on the Monday.

It's the same every year, and I say so each year. And I do absolutely fuck all to combat it each year. Why? I have absolutely no clue whatsoever. Maybe because I have no idea how to. Maybe it's because I just have an inherit feeling in my head that whatever I try to do, I'd just fuck it up somehow.

And yes, I'm perfectly aware of the saying "the only ones who truly fail are those who don't try" or whatever it's called.

I'm not saying it's true, mind. I'm just thinking of possibilities.

Anyway, that's if for now.

- Kill Bill Vol. 2 just finished, so I suppose it's an optimal time for me to write FIN at the same time, eh? No, didn't think so.

Come Clarity

Do you ever just wish you can turn your brain off?

And no, I don't mean kill your brain.

Spoiler warning - I'm going to sound like some hideously pathetic child in this post. Another spoiler warning - I'm probably not going to make sense. What joy.

About two days ago, I was doing something. It doesn't really matter what I was doing: I could have been just playing around on the computer, I could have been arm wrestling baby chickens. All that matters is that I was doing something.

When I was doing something, I was thinking about stuff. Nothing major, probably just thinking about the thing I was doing.

But then, because I was thinking, my thoughts began to go into a different direction. My thoughts went from whatever menial task that I was doing, to thoughts about how I'm doing shit at what I was doing, which in turn made me think about the past, either about what I did or what I didn't do. Then, I thought about how my life would have changed now if I made different decisions back in the day, then thoughts came about how I'm going to die in the future, which made me think about the whole Mayan prophecy bullshit.

And that's how I ended up watching videos from a NASA scientist and reading things that explained why the whole December 21st 2012 thing was a hoax.

Off topic, but I don't believe in it. I just despise the fact that people both make doomsday predictions and believe them. I mean, we're humans living on the knife edge of existence as it is, it's a miracle how we're still alive as a species. So, if that's the case, why do people not celebrate life and its diversity and instead wonder on how it will end?

Ah, the world's kind of fucked up.

Anyway. It took about two hours for me to be doing things and thinking about what I was doing to reading about 2012. It took me two more hours or so to stop looking into it. It ended in me saying fuck it and putting my Mac down to just try to not think, which didn't work, so I just played a bit of Pokemon.

It was the same today. I was in work, looking for things to do, but then I started to feel weird. Not ill, not anything emotional either, just... weird. I then thought that I'd read some technology news to try to stop me thinking, which then landed me in a pile of news about the Census and the Welsh language, which made me think about my use of the Welsh language, then after more thinking about more idiotic things I ended on the subject of my friends, thinking about different things like who do I really consider a friend, and if in turn they consider me as one.

Now, it may come as a surprise to you, but I've been told that I think too much. Seems as if people don't understand why I think too much. Which is fair enough, since they don't think the same as I do.

Ever since I was young, I was thinking. Maybe not to the degree I am now, but I was thinking. I'm not saying I was an amateur theologist or whatever, contemplating life's wonders and shit like that. It's just that, when you're not from a well-off family and not a social butterfly, the only real way to keep your brain active is by thinking, whether it's making up scenes or just thinking about how others may perceive you.

I've also been told by a few that I need to stop thinking, to stop over-analyzing little things. But I have no idea how. It's like my brain hates inactivity, all it wants to do is work, whether that is thinking about tasks, mathematical and scientific questions, memorising things or just plain thinking about my life and how it affects everyone else's.

I honestly have no idea what I was trying to accomplish with this post. Maybe I'm just trying to figure out myself, to wonder why I've become such an arsewipe of a person.

Before I go, I'd like to share a song. It's only in the past two months that I've rediscovered In Flames. When in work, I decided to play their songs while setting up a photography shoot, and I fell in love with their songs. In particular, this one.



That's it for now.

- I want you to lead me, take me somewhere, don't want to live in a FIN one more day.

Turn Of The Century (And A Half)

For those who are counting, this is my 150th blog post.

150 blog posts in five years. Not sure that's a good or bad thing.

One thing I'm also unsure if it's good or not is that I'm getting back into Guitar Hero. I used to play that to death back in the day. I even wrote on the wall next to my television the scores I had when playing certain songs, mainly Free Bird in II and Through The Fire And Flames in III (both on Expert, but the latter one on practice mode, I could never get past the first section).

It was like my way of competing with myself. I only just manage to five star Free Bird once, Always did the same thing when I played on III - Played Talk Dirty To Me and other songs to warm up, then try to FC Reptilia and other songs before I try and beat my old scores in the harder tiers.

And you wonder why I've been single all my life...

I still remember the path of Talk Dirty To Me. I played that song to death, that and Knights Of Cydonia and My Name Is Jonas.

Well, I suppose it'll be a good thing that I'm getting back into Guitar Hero. I'll need to do something to keep me occupied when it's Christmas. Because, y'know, I just do the same thing as always, stay in doing fuck all. Maybe this year, I'll actually create something in After Effects. Maybe I might skin a cat, or . Nothing is impossible. Well, maybe the After Effects thing is for me...

In other news, I've had my first credit for work I've done. In this thing I've been working on for the last couple of whiles, I'm down as the Compositor and Motion Graphics person. Which is, y'know, the things I did for it. So yeah, my name is down as a credit for something. Suppose it's a good thing.

Another thing is that I've let CLICvlog slide. There are many reasons for this. One is that there hasn't been a time where I could meet up with people to film one. The other is that I just haven't had the motivation to film and edit them.

It's not that I don't want to do the project anymore, because I do want to keep it alive. I just seem to be consumed by utter shit sometimes. Yeah, like that makes sense.

That's it really. The only other things that I've learned is that the Welsh apparently use "goc oen" as an insult and I can only look at photos of myself if I don't look straight into the camera. Makes perfect sense, that. Oh, and I feel taller after I play the drums.

And that, as that old man from Final Fantasy X say that they say, is that.

Am y tro, boyos.

- Every time I look in your eyes, every time I'm watching you FIN.